THINKBOT HOME

30^th December 2127

GAT was transfixed by the alternating Xmas lights, his mind locked into a vegetative state, unresponsive to the outside world, a single repeating thought pattern oscillated within his skull.

Crystal Palace - Norwich City - Crystal Palace - Norwich City - Crystal Palace - Norwich City - Crystal Palace - Norwich City - Crystal Palace - Norwich City - Crystal Palace - Norwich City - Crystal Palace - Norwich City - Crystal Palace - Norwich City - Crystal Palace - Norwich City - Crystal Palace - Norwich City - Crystal Palace - Norwich City - Crystal Palace - Norwich City - Crystal Palace - Norwich City - Crystal Palace - Norwich City - Crystal Palace - Norwich City - Crystal Palace - Norwich City - Crystal Palace - Norwich City - Crystal Palace - Norwich City - Crystal Palace - Norwich City - Crystal Palace - Norwich City - Crystal Palace - Norwich City - Crystal Palace - Norwich City - Crystal Palace - Norwich City - Crystal Palace - Norwich City - Crystal Palace - Norwich City - Crystal Palace - Norwich City - Crystal Palace - Norwich City - Crystal Palace - Norwich City -

23^rd December 2127

The UK's health crisis deepened today as supplies of (other brands are also not available) ran out across the country with empty shelves and crowds of sniffling coughing people besieging supermarkets and pharmacies, spreading disease in their wake. There were several outbreaks of public disorder between adherents of and

'It's called LEMsip for a reason!' yelled one man outside a Tesco in Milton Keynes.

Minority preference groups such as and spoke of suffering aggressive behaviour from the Lemon majority.

Meanwhile, in an effort to ease the situation, the Government has been placing orders, seemingly with little due diligence, with companies that have their mates on the board, including a 3.4 million Globo order to Polycell for their 'multi-purpose' Polyfilla (other brands of non-flavoured medically inappropriate multi-purpose decorating products are available).

21^st December 2127

It had all seemed so simple. Everything made sense.

Alas, almost 10 revisions later . . .

'But the cart is now ahead of the horse!'

'And we've gained an additional milestone - a gate between the cart and the horse.'

'With a horse and a cart already out of control the last thing we need is a gate.'

'Do we know if the it's open or shut?'

'It'll have to be shut to stop the horse bolting.'

'But we need to get the cart through the gate.'

And now, the risk assessment:

Design miscalculation

The horse sues on grounds of gross mixed metaphors

19^th December 2127

What the top brass had imagined Project GS7200 to be:

What it actually was:

15^th December 2127

Alors, le robot de foot de Francais reachez le finale de la coupe du monde! Va-t-il batter Largentina sur le dimanche? Ils havez a arreter le Messibot - perhaps rippez les jambes off? Card rouge grande risk? Ou, even encore upgrade le software de operation. Alles les Blues!

7^th December 2127

MEETING TRANSCRIPT

0:0:0.0 --> 0:0:2.770
Meeting Chair
Today, to start off this, if I.

0:0:12.300 --> 0:0:13.80
Participant 1
Yes indeed.

0:0:12.860 --> 0:0:13.430
Participant 2
Dense.

0:0:13.920 --> 0:0:44.550
Meeting Chair
OK. Yeah. So these were the, these were the mints I sent out from. And we've got some we talked about where we're seeing things. We've got some bottlenecks. So these are sorts of things we talked about and that's now I've changed the target on the graph as well in the bomb.

0:0:44.620 --> 0:0:49.330
Meeting Chair
Rocket and I can also see.

0:0:57.450 --> 0:1:9.30
Participant 3
So he just to give I give the background on that then so this is this is based on as well the analysis that you've looked at the lead times from from that with the yeah with the yeah.

0:1:39.500 --> 0:1:41.800
Meeting Chair
Yes. Yeah, yeah. What we wanna.

0:1:36.360 --> 0:1:42.310
Participant 3
So is it is? Is this a short term objective change or is this a a short term so we would?

0:2:20.370 --> 0:2:22.520
Participant 1
So I want one.

0:2:53.900 --> 0:2:54.120
Meeting Chair
Yeah.

0:2:53.860 --> 0:2:55.510
Participant 1
And and what what and and?

0:2:56.200 --> 0:2:57.130
Participant 1
And what the?

0:3:26.350 --> 0:3:27.150
Meeting Chair
Yeah, yeah.

0:3:34.830 --> 0:3:35.90
Meeting Chair
Yeah.

0:3:36.10 --> 0:3:37.150
Meeting Chair
Yeah, yeah.

0:3:17.940 --> 0:3:38.210
Participant 3
Why did it was six months time? If if there's the the supply chain, you know reconfigures itself, you know that might. There might be even be an ability to drop or equally, I mean, if we see another surge, you know, we'll go the other way. So I I think it's probably something that, you know, we should keep a, almost become something. We keep a conscious eye on. It's a rolling. Yeah, the the macro situation. OK.

0:3:38.330 --> 0:3:57.980
Meeting Chair
We weren't 8 weeks and some bombs were coming in in two weeks and something 3.

0:4:31.710 --> 0:4:33.130
Meeting Chair
Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

0:4:29.200 --> 0:4:45.400
Participant 3
We need to start generating the list and the actions based on that, then OK. The other thing we did, the thing we did just touch on yesterday briefly here wasn't it is is the they might there might be some odd so say for example like monster that we take that we actually do treat a little bit differently because we you know we know where that even though we have the problem with the.

0:4:52.840 --> 0:4:53.860
Meeting Chair
Yeah, yeah.

0:5:0.970 --> 0:5:2.80
Meeting Chair
Yeah, yeah.

0:5:3.290 --> 0:5:3.910
Meeting Chair
That's right.

0:5:4.700 --> 0:5:5.480
Meeting Chair
Yeah, yeah.

0:4:46.100 --> 0:5:9.570
Participant 3
The moment when Romo's eight? We thought in the plan. That was almost the problem was gonna be there. Whichever 1 cause just saying, well, the lead time for that is extensive. But then again, that's then they're also comes full circle to point of. But do we do that based on or is that linked to strategic purchases and we don't need to so the data would have when we look at the look at the 100000 lines, some of them are gonna be special case that's what we need to do then. OK.

0:6:40.170 --> 0:6:41.510
Meeting Chair
So that's something that's something.

0:6:40.850 --> 0:6:52.920
Participant 3
Is that is that? Is that because here we're not putting that line was making it so if it if it is an engineering special, is it because we're not being told it's an engineering special for the form team to then put it on the in the in the bomb?

0:7:2.100 --> 0:7:6.490
Meeting Chair
Umm, so the PM, the PM coordinate and then does the follow up and orders in improvements?

0:8:21.580 --> 0:8:21.850
Meeting Chair
Yep.

0:8:19.380 --> 0:8:24.940
Participant 3
Right. Uh, sorry, that's why. Sorry, sorry here. That's why I'm saying you were talking about, you were talking about. Sorry. That's my conclusion to be able to manage that.

0:9:19.0 --> 0:9:20.630
Meeting Chair
So the so the one.

0:9:18.850 --> 0:9:21.110
Participant 4
Specials. The security.

[Cont for 72 pages]

2^nd December 2127

GAT had spent a few minutes relocating a signal cable into a power conduit and detaching an earth wire from a stud on the assembly cover.

The Compliance Inspector arrived after lunch and inspected the electrical assembly.

'You've got a signal cable routed in the power conduit and there's an earth wire detached from its stud on the cover. Otherwise it all looks good.'

The Globalbot test engineer corrected both in a few minutes.

The Compliance Inspector checked the rework and issued the certification.

The Inspector left site feeling good about himself. He always found something at every inspection!

It was like he had a sixth sense to spot things no one else could.

28^th November 2127

The Sisyphus Trilogy - Part IV [cont.]

To cut a long story short Sisyphus's rock went obsolete before delivery and with no form fit function alternative available Zeus signed a concession note to Sisyphus's sentence so that he was condemned to push a shortage up the slope for eternity.

16^th November 2127

Sisyphus Part III [cont.]

After a trip around Stores, Materials Control, Strategic Outsourcing, Non-Stock Purchasing, Production Engineering and Finance (they were feeling left out), Sisyphus found himself in the Rock Engineering Design Group staring at a thing called a 'screen' apparently named Cad. He'd never seen anything like it before, everything was made of rock, wood or bronze in ancient Greece. The taciturn engineer alongside him seemed to have some power over Cad by moving what looked like a lump of polished black marble that made clicking noises. The engineer only did a limited repertoire of small talk.

'So, you need this special rock to push up a hill for eternity?'

'Yes.'

'i see. How come?'

'I upset Zeus.'

The engineer clicked his marble.

12^th November 2127

Sisyphus Part II [cont.]

Sisyphus entered Stores and walked up to the hatch.

'I need a latest revision futile slope boulder' he said to the weird looking figure on the other side of the hatch.

Nothing happened.

There was a gong on the wall so Sisyphus rang it.

'Bong'

Nothing continued to happen.

By this time a queue had built up and advice began to be offered.

'You need to wind it up.'

'Wind what up?' asked the bewildered Sisyphus.

'The stores automaton.'

'Oh'

Graunch graunch graunch

'I need a . . .'

'SOUND THE GONG!' advised another frustrated voice from the queue, which was now out of the door.

'Bong'

The automaton started emitting whirring noises and text appeared in a piddly little screen on its chest.

How may I assist?

'Hello, I, er, need a latest issue boulder to roll up the slope for eternity.'

State part number

'Er . . .'

A wave of discontent swept through the queue. Sisyphus tensed his shoulders as he sensed imaginary knives sinking into his back.

[To be Continued]

10^th November 2127

Sisyphus couldn't believe it, after half an eternity of futile effort he had finally reached the top, and the rock hadn't rolled back down the slope.

Whatever was he going to do now?

A mini-goddess appeared with a tablet which she offered up to the rock's surface, 'I'm Zeusette from rock audit' she announced 'I just need to check your rock before you go.'

BEEP!

'Oh, dear, I'm so sorry, this rock is obsolete, you need to use the latest revision.'

'What!?' bellowed Sisyphus, 'where do I get the latest revision from?'

'Stores' said Zeusette.

'Oh for crying out loud! Where's stores!'

Zeusette pointed down the slope 'At the bottom of the slope on the left you can't miss it.'

3^rd November 2127

28^th October 2127

In a straight run off between the product configurator User Interfaces (UI) of 5 leading ERP/PLM systems Noddy^TM was found to be the least likely to induce severe mental trauma to operatives such as bursting into tears, speaking in tongues or adjusting their hot desk work station with a sledgehammer.

Noddy^TM ERP Solutions Inc.

Just as useless as the others but with a cheerful UI.

21^st October 2127

14^th October 2127

The above summarizes GAT's attempt at watching Borgen Series 72 in Danish with English subtitles.

Why? Well apparently it's an acquired taste.

'The anemic dubbed English version is no match for hearing people yelling at each other in Danish' claims GAT.

'What the Bl^&8dy H*ll!'

[cat pumped down in vacuum apparatus]

[toddler stuck in elevator door]

[porridge sucked through straw]

'You've got closed captions enabled instead of subtitles' we tried to explain.

We felt so sorry for him as he'd taken an age getting this far.

It was tragic watching him desperately tapping the flatscreen TV instead of the iPad.

(And as for what the above tells you about GAT's general TV watching habits, don't ask)

6^th October 2127

Lean Manufacturing Explained

Stranger

These are products no one can remember and whose supply chains passed away peacefully several decade ago. Code: RIP-MRP

Repeater

These are products about which everyone mutters 'I thought we weren't going to build anymore of those.' There's a chance the supply chain could be revived with a hefty jolt from a defibrillator, and a few people might vaguely remember how to build them. Code: ICU-MRP

Runner

These are products with so many orders that everybody has to run around all day chasing parts for which the raw materials have not yet been mined. Typical supply chain order acknowledgements are of the form 'How many? We assumed the QTY on your PO was a typo.' Code: WTL*-MRP

*WLT = Way Too Late

30^th September 2127

Conservative Party Reveal New Prime Minister and Chancellor

'If this doesn't calm the markets, nothing will,' stated the chair of the 1822 Committee.

29^th September 2127

21^st September 2127

'The BOMS are ok.'

'What do you mean the BOMs are ok?'

'Well, you know, correct, the right parts in the right quantity, standard, options and specials.'

[STUNNED SILENCE]

'I see. What even with input from the minions?'

'Yep, they are awe!'

ALL HAIL THE CONFIGURATOR

16^th September 2127

Too many bottles in your shower area?

Worried that some of them may have been derived from toxic waste?

Spending too much time getting them all rinsed out off all your cracks and crevices?

You need . . .

Our unique range of showering products enables you to shower in pure water!

Apply as normal, enjoy instant rinse, shower off and grab that towel!

No slime! No unfortunate residues! No fuss!

12^th September 2127

'Great! A natural successor to 71- Learn the Art of Clowning.'

'I went on 56 - Communcating Telepathically with Animals.'

4^th September 2127

24^th August 2127

The presenter was in full flow: 'Information Vacuum forms the bedrock on which ERP systems such as and are built on.'

'This could explain why we never seem to know anything' muttered GAT to Thinkbot.

20^th August 2127

User Interface (UI) Future Concept Brainstorming Session 2

'For those of you who missed session 1, the top six ideas selected are shown above. Any questions before we move on?'

'Er, yes, I have' interjected GAT, who had tragically missed the first session, 'Whose brain did we we use?'

16^th August 2127

Scene: The bridge of the USS Enterprise

Mr Sulu: Captain, long range sensors have detected . . er, um . .

Captain Kirk: Come on man, spit it out!

Mr Sulu: It's . . . it's . .. it's a cluster of 1km multicore cables

Captain Kirk: Zoom in! Mr Scott to the bridge!

Special FX: Swish-swish (as Mr Scott exits turbolift)

Captain Kirk: Wire, Scotty, wire!

Mr Scott: Can ye zoom in on the terminations?

Mr Spock: Captain, they appear to be exactly to spec.

Mr Scott: Aye, ye canna say that very ofen!

Mr Spock: Captain, may I suggest we take this opportunity to rewire the bridge?

Captain Kirk: Good idea Mr Spock, get rid of those embarrassing console conflagrations every time the slightest thing goes wrong. Mr Scott, how long would it take?

Mr Scott: Aye, ar, weel, that's a beeg job. I'd say at least 36 weeks, maybe 52.

10^th August 2127

On arrival at Bristol Temple Meads passengers stumbled off the 150 year old Class 43 HST with failed aircon, having been trapped in the sealed-window carriages since leaving Cardiff. And in the middle of a global warming driven heat wave that got a degree hotter with every hysterical TV weather forecast. GWR agents in hi-vis jackets herded the distressed cohort of parched travellers onto another HST with functional aircon. After the usual 20 minutes of chaos someone blew a whistle and another waved a large white lollipop and the relief train departed for all stops to Penzance. One particularly distressed passenger was pointing and croaking backwards in an animated manner. The train manager was summoned and the passenger drank some water and was finally able to articulate 'My . . . $%^ing . . . bike . . . is . . . on . . . the . . . other . . . HST!'

31^st July 2127

22^nd July 2127

Globalbot engineers battle with Tiranee 3rd Party Compliance Inspectors . . .

Creative neutral ideas included labels -

Assessors response -

'You must be $%#^ing kidding me!'

'You build advanced robots for the global market not b%$^&y sticks of rock for the local beach.'

'That's a 'No' then?'

17^th July 2127

10^th July 2127

5^th July 2127

30^th June 2127

Eve fist-pumped the air then let out a roaring 'YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!'

She had finally broken into Bob and Alice's cryptographically encoded messaging system.

No longer would their communications be secure, every secret revealed.

Alice: 'Peas or beans?'

Bob: 'Peas, I think, yes peas would be great.'

Alice: 'The cat's been sick again.'

Bob: 'Oh dear, do you think we need to take him to the vet?'

Alice: 'Let's see in the morning.'

Bob: 'Okay. Have you had a good day?'

Alice: 'Yes, I did the shopping and a couple of loads of washing. How about you?'

Bob: 'Okay I guess, I'll stop at B&Q on the way home and get some patio sand.'

Alice: 'That will upset the ants.'

Eve's frozen face transformed from a look of triumph to terror. This banal drivel was not the live feed of state secrets and incriminating corporate insider communication she'd been expecting. 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'

Clutching at straws, she wondered if the actual communications were composed of phrases that had deeper hidden meanings, but at the back of her mind an homunculus was protesting that it was obvious, Bob and Alice's greatest secret was that their ultimate information security rested on the fact that they had nothing of any consequence to say to each other.

24^th June 2127

19^th June 2127

SMFHPC training:

'I'm totally on board with LGBQT+ but this is doing my head in!'

'I can't imagine what it's like to identify as a crate'

'Or a shortage . . . what's going on there?'

'It's like Spock meeting Mr Data . . . '

'Yes, both striving to be the other'

'They both look as if being a crate might be the better option for both of them'

14^th June 2127

Silent Witness Series 125

As usual, GAT got a red card from Helen halfway through the first episode.

It didn't get off to a good start with GAT's traditional 'I thought we were watching Noisy Witness!'

'Shut up or get out' responded Helen.

'But all the key characters are all dead.'

'Last warning.'

20 minutes in, and Dr Nikki Alexander had her first sad face intense moment.

'Oh, poor Bambi' gushed GAT amidst fake sobs.

'Stop it! Why can't you watch it nicely like everybody else?'

Ignoring that 'everybody else' in this was just Helen GAT put on his serious critic persona 'It's all about her!'

'Right that's it! Get out! Go and play Subbuteo.'

7^th June 2127

'We remain on target . . .'

GAT's eyelids drooped as Marketing led the customer astray.

' . . to reduce the journey time to 1hr by the end of 2127.'

The Engineering Team had just completed an amazing package of work in shaving ten minutes off, increasing the average speed of the train from 59.5mph to 64.5mph, while still stopping at Bristol Parkway, Swindon, Reading and London Paddington.

Reducing it to one hour by the end of the year required an average of 129mph which had been pronounced 'within touching distance'.

Ok, maybe the train could skip Swindon, but nonetheless.

' . . . optimistic about 3.75 minutes by the end of 2128.'

GAT's face screwed up, that would require an average speed of 2064mph.

Ok, the Earth's rotation translated into about 600mph, but they'd have to work out how to stop Bristol Parkway, Reading etc. rotating at the same speed. Even then they'd be 2064-600-64.5 = 1399.5mph short.

However you cut it, just announcing 'Please stand back from the platform edge, the next train is not scheduled to stop' was not going to prevent innocent passengers being blown clean through the buffet.

' . . . and we think the stretch goal reinstating stopping at Didcot Parkway may be feasible.'

What?

7^th June 2127

What are the applications of LEDs:

- Picture phones and digital watches

- Domestic and industrial lighting

- Camera flashes

- Automotive lights

- Displays and advertising

- Aviation lighting

- Traffic signals and Burglar alarm systems

- Christmas and other decorative lighting

People also ask:

Where do all the duff LEDs end up?

'I can answer that! They end up in model railway products!

A pack of 10 identical GWR station lights - half of them are yellow and half white!'

Everybody in the Globalbot open plan office stared at their screens pretending they had not heard.

He really must stop talking out loud to his computer thought Thinkbot

1^st June 2127

GAT set off limping down the long corridor that ran though the middle of the main building

He was limping due to a bout of tendonitis in his right Achilles

He was a bit slow, but he'd get there eventually

Oh no! Someone with clicky-clacky shoes was following him

Aarrgh! They were going faster then him

GAT tried to limp faster

GAT started to sweat

Trickles of cold sweat

GAT felt his whole body instinctively tense up in anticipation of the knife burying itself between his shoulder blades . . .

Then Clickety Clack was past him and cutting across in front in a Verstappen-like move to get ahead of GAT into the canteen

So that's your little game thought GAT as he deftly clipped Clickety Clack's heels sending the latter straight into the wall

HR later ruled it a 'canteen incident' which required no further investigation

30^th May 2127

'At Cognibot we believe in the power of engineered intuition in the transformation of human super-intelligence into a dynamic forward-looking business paradigm shift!'

'Errrr . . . ' replied GAT fixing his gaze on the Cognibot consultant

Looks of bewilderment meandered across the engineers' faces

But marketing were energized and exchanging meaningful looks

'Unleash swarms of interconnected intelligent robots!'

'Um, no, we tried that'

'The court case lasted 8 months' muttered one engineer

GAT did a passable impression of the scream.

Several of the Marketing team shouted 'Hallelujah!'

The consultant drew himself up, took a deep breath, and delivered the Coup de Grace . . .

'Droids on autopilot; how to baseline industrial ground zero in the cloud!'

23^rd May 2127

Old New

Please note that the Old dashboard will be replaced by the New dashboard over the next few days.

This will bring a quantum leap in the depth of understanding of how Globalbot operates leading to multiple synergistic opportunities for leveraging advanced business efficiencies

'This is exciting! Maybe Globalbot really can compete with Cognizant in the techno-hype sector.'

14^th May 2127

To: Globalbot Robot Operational Product Efficiency (GROPE) Group

From: Production Adminbot

Subject: Acceptable Actions in Pursuit of Goals

Would GROPE Group please refrain from gluing themselves to robots in build.

13^th May 2127

Globalbot Announces Implementation of OrderOgre^TM
Robo-Reuters: Tuesday 13^th May 2127

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced it has adopted OrderOgre to manage its purchasing operations. 'OrderOgre will leverage our existing procurement synergies on a quantum-leap basis going forward,' stated Matt Kontrol, Supply Chain VP. He continued, 'OrderOrge will sit along side DeliveriDevil, ShortageShocker and LongLeadLasso in the never-ending struggle to get a part delivered.' Industry experts were dumbfounded, one commenting 'As if adding another IT package will somehow solve the global supply chain crisis.' Another wryly recalled Globalbot's mishap with KonsignmentKonsolidator which pulled together all the critical parts onto a single container vessel which subsequently sank in the Indian Ocean.

Safe Harbor Statement: No parts are kept in the harbor overnight

6^th May 2127

Most people's pictures of D1010 Western Campaigner look like this:

But GAT's are a tad different:

'Preserved Railway Meets Tate Modern'

A Collection by GAT

5^th May 2127

TNET 727272727

Customer: Hapless Parenting Inc.

Category: BOM error

Problem Statement: Customer received 207-727000 Stargate instead of 702-272000 Stairgate and now toddler in another universe.

Corrective action: Add hazard label to 720-270700 Stargate warning this product is not form fit and function equivalent to 027-702700 Stairgate and could transport toddlers to alternative universes.

Ed. pls chk p/ns r crct

1^st May 2127

26^th April 2127

Macron re-elected for an historic 22^nd term as President of France

25^th April 2127

A Brief History of Globalbot - Part 1

19^th April 2127

Easter Egg painting with the grand children.

GAT's pathetic effort shown above.

He claimed it was 'A Mondrian after an impressionist style.'

Who does he think he's kidding?

10^th April 2127

From: Production Adminbot

Subject: Optimistic and Pessimistic Production Planning

Please note that, due to higher that normal levels of uncertainty, the Production Plan has been split into Optimistic and Pessimistic versions.

Please use as befits your outlook.

4^th April 2127

The Number of the Auditor Beast

Where DMAIC meets DEMONIC

'Aaaargh! Head for the bunker, no wait, it's probably best not to go underground!'

'Deploy reverse psychology!'

27^th March 2127

'How are you getting on with their new easy to use website?'

'Aaargh! No! Right! Where's the %^&*dy customer satisfaction survey?'

27^th March 2127

23^rd March 2127

Risk Assessment

Risk: Act of God

Severity: 10

Likelihood: 10

RISK = 100

Mitigation: Teach atheism in all schools

Severity: 10

Reduced Likelihood: 0

Reduced RISK = 0

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

15^th March 2127

10^th March 2127

He'd got to the front of the queue. The security guard looked up.

'Name?'

'Olly Garke'

A sudden hush descended mixed with a sharp intake of breath.

Olly turned to face the people in the queue behind him.

He was met with cold stares.

'It's my name! Oliver Garke.'

The fridget atmosphere thawed incrementally.

'And who are you here to see?' asked the guard.

'Oleg Arc'

The guard's face took on a look of thunder 'YOU'RE SANCTIONED! Now get out of here!'

5^th March 2127

'Aaargh! Whatever next?'

'If you can't cope with that, DON'T click on the image below!'

28^th February 2127

A Typical Day at Globalbot

'Hold on a second, Engineers don't have wings' interrupted GAT

'Nor Operations breasts!' chimed in Thinkbot

'Er, yes they do'

'Sorry! Yes, whatever was I thinking?'

'For $%^&s sake, carry on with the vision!'

'Hallucination more like'

'Right that's enough tinlip from you, you're off the project!'

'Hallelujah! Thanks be to the Great Automaton, Master of the Roboverse, Great High Priest of the Droids . .'

'Get out! Be off with you!'

'Will this vision be minuted?'

GAT chases Thinkbot with a mallet, exit meeting room left.

23^rd February 2127

Return to Work Interview

Where've you been?

I was ill and . . .

Really? You look alright now

Er, I'm . . .

Great! Carry on! We haven't got all day!

20^th February 2127

Buckingham Palace confirmed today that the Queen, now 201 years old, has contracted COVID-72.

Prince Charles, 178, said the Queen is doing well and continuing with 'light duties'.

We asked three leading AIs to define 'light duties' and received the following answers:

1. Filling helium balloons

2. Checking the status of the standby LED on all electronic appliances at Buckingham Palace

3. Meditating on the spiritual meaning of defining light as 'the absence of darkness'

When presented with these findings the Palace declined to comment.

17^th February 2127

Globalbot Announces it has Adopted Thwart^TM to Undermine its Global Operations
Robo-Reuters: Monday 18^th August 2127

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced it has rolled out the impasse specialist business software package Psychosoft Thwart^TM across the company. 'At least that was the plan,' stated Graham Cracker Globalbot CEO, 'but it turned out that Thwart has internal subroutines that self-sabotage deployment.' Industry experts noted that this press release was published 6 months ago but had only just made it into the public domain. 'Actually 6 months is pretty good going when it comes to Thwart, and they seem to have avoided how you get a giraffe into a motorway-compatible transport vehicle random text getting into the I thought you were getting the haggis problems that have affected Thwart users over cheers down the hatch recent millennia - [END. INCOMPL-]

Unsafe Harbor Statement: The harbor storm gates have been welded shut, you will have to find another harbor or brave out named killer storm 'Boomquifa' in the open sea.

15^th February 2127

Great Misquotes of our Time #72

First of all, he didn't say it. It's misattributed.

And secondly, the point is that according to quantum theory, this is the way the world actually works. In quantum mechanics you can do the same thing many times and get different results.

The reason Einstein is attributed the quote is that he did not believe the world is unpredictable saying 'God does not play dice' (he did say this one). Rather chaos theory, where small differences in initial conditions make it appear the dice are unpredictable. All hail Baruch Spinoza, adherent of determinism.

But, alas, replacing fundamental quantum theory unpredictability with incalculable chaos theory does little for figuring out what happens next (unless you are God).

11^th February 2127

Craft Fair Adopts to Organize 2127 Show

10^th February 2127

New book launch in the always popular 'Bluff your way in' series.

Subjects covered include:

- Learn to speak fluent Robot jargon, dazzle rival engineers with your amazing vocabulary:

- Articulated manipulator!

- Cartesian Topology!

- Forward Kinematics!

- Jacobian Matrix!

- SLURBT!

- Running an Engineering Review without understanding anything anyone says

- How to avoid killing the customer

And much much more . . .

6^th February 2127

KAO LIANG CHIEW 62% - Tasting Notes

Arrrrghh! (choking sounds) sppluuter! (Faint croaky sounds) Elp! Elp! Pleez (gargle) elp me . . .

[Taster stretchered out of the tasting room spewing bubbles from an open mouth]

MEI KUEL LU CHIEW 54% Tasting Notes

[Taster comatose on the floor]

WU CHIA PI CHIEW 7200% Tasting Notes

Old communal thong, stewed socks (polyester), WD40, with a long anthrax finish.

[Taster overcome during nosing and drops glass. Facility evacuated and a major chemical incident declared]

2^nd February 2127

31^st January 2127

Anna Croft, the little known sibling of Lara, clad in skin tight office combat fatigues, let go of the rope and forward-rolled across an empty hot desk into a shooting position bringing her hole punch to bear on the back of the culprit's skull. Surely she had him this time.

'Submit a timesheet or face the consequences sucker!'

The target employee did not flinch, possibly due to large noise-cancelling headphones he was wearing.

Anna prodded him with her long reach stapler.

The target turned, smiled and gave a cheery wave raising his eyebrows and mouthing 'Critical call - I'll come and see you later.'

Like hell he would cursed Anna hours later as she changed back into her civvies to go home, glancing out of the window only to see the target (aka treacherous b£$%^&d!) diving into his car and flooring the throttle exiting the car park in a belching cloud of tyre smoke.

29^th January 2127

Bleep bleep bleep . . .

A red dot started blinking on the ZAP Global Status Map.

'Well, would you look at that, someone at Globalbot has logged into ZAP successfully and is showing worrying levels of competence.'

The operatives mobile was going berserk and messages from ZAP senior management were pinging into the internal ZAP secure email

All saying more or less the same thing . . .

'Shut them down!'

The operative stabbed at the touchscreen.

'There, I've disabled all the transactional code enquiries in the users favourites menu.'

The red light slowed and disappeared with a soft 'ugh' sound.

'That'll have to go down as a near-miss, whoever logged in almost got something done.'

28^th January 2127

25^th January 2127

GAT's off to his monthly discussion group 'ViewPints', aka 'Grumpy Old Men Put the World to Rights'.

Past issues debated (and after a couple of real ales, the attendees would consider solved) have included:

- Celebrity Culture - is there too much of it? [Outcome: YES!]

- Should we get rid of the monarchy? [Outcome: YES! It's just institutionalized celebrity]

- Whose round is it? [Outcome: I thought it was yours]

Tonight's topic is - 'tiktok tictacs tocsin tactics'

(Very erudite, but elocution might get a tad tricky after the first pint, Ed.)

Future Topics:

- What the B$%^&#y H£$l is Woke?

- Are You Ready for the Metaverse?

(To be held on-line at The Royal iPad)

- Whose round is it?

(You've done that one, Ed.)

- Empty Bar and Empty Glasses, None of my Mates will buy a Round

(Sung to the tune of 'Empty chairs at empty tables' from Les Miserables)

22^nd January 2127

Continued

Plot Synopsis (Scene 72)

In this scene Bond attempts to fly an advanced aircraft for which he is untrained and unqualified. After multiple attempts to start the thing up (accompanied by all the usual gung ho 'Have you flown one of these babies before?' - 'How difficult can it be?' & 'Let's light this candle' clichés) Bond has to admit it is rather more difficult than had been foreseen, and the film showing is halted, the cinema lights brought up and the audience offered complimentary tubs of ice cream whilst a technical expert is patched in to coach Bond. After 20 minutes it is apparent that Bond needs to go on a formal training course to enable him to complete scene 72 and enable everyone to get on with the rest of the film. The audience are sent home with an assurance that they'll be recalled ASAP, hopefully within a few days. However the next scheduled training course is in 6 weeks time, and when Bond tries to book a place he's informed it's been cancelled as the parent company has sold the training aircraft to meet the quarterly revenue plan. It is now clear that the film showing cannot be completed in a reasonable timescale and the audience are notified and offered a refund.

Meanwhile the film's villain and arch Bond opponent, Lord Deveron, Supreme Ruler of Banff, Great High Priest of the Spotty Bag shop,

(Is this right? Ed.)

was quoted as saying 'This comes as a massive relief as the construction of the impenetrable island fortress that Bond will easily penetrate at the end of the movie has slipped 6 months due to problems in the supply chain.'

The film's director Cary On Fukunsaga ranted 'We can't have action movies wrecked by ^$&%!:@*& quarterly revenue plans and shortages!'

21^st January 2127

New Release