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Contact Thinkbot @: thinkbot@thinkbot.co.uk

21^st Feb 2117

What does Go - Go mean to you?

Well, for Marketing, it means Stop - Go, as in 'Stop - Go decision' as applied to a new product development, except that the Stop is Marketing speak for Go.

Engineering prefer the traditional meaning of Go Go, particularly in juxtaposition with 'Dancer'.

Come to mention it, so do Marketing! (Especially when on the road).

At last we agree on something!

For the sake of balance, this blog must mention Stop Stop Dancers.

Stop Stop Dancers limber up.

16^th Feb 2117

Material delivery dates for all Globalbot shipments in June are a week late.

Time for an 8D investigation!

Eight Disciplines Problem Solving is a method typically employed by quality engineers or other professionals.

D0: The Planning Phase: Plan for solving the problem and determine the prerequisites.

D1: Use a Team: Establish a team of people with product/process knowledge.

D2: Define and describe the Problem: Specify the problem by identifying in quantifiable terms the who, what, where, when, why, how..

D3: Developing Interim Containment Plan Implement and verify Interim Actions: Define and implement containment actions to isolate the problem from any customer.

D4: Determine and Identify and Verify Root Causes and escape points: Identify all applicable causes that could explain why the problem has occurred. Also identify why the problem has not been noticed at the time it occurred. All causes shall be verified or proved, not determined by fuzzy brainstorming. One can use 5Whys or Ishikawa Diagram to map causes against effect/Problem identified.

D5: Choose and verify Permanent Corrections (PCs) for Problem/Non Conformity: Through pre-production programs quantitatively confirm that the selected correction will resolve the problem for the customer.

D6: Implement and validate PCAs: Define and Implement the best corrective actions.

D7: Prevent recurrence/Corrective Actions: Modify the management systems, operation systems, practices, and procedures to prevent recurrence of this and all similar problems.

D8: Congratulate your Team: Recognize the collective efforts of the team. The team needs to be formally thanked by the organization.

This sledgehammer duly cracked the nut - Root Cause was a an extra week in May on the Pyschosoft Excel Slot Plan.

The moment of discovery: 'Hang on! Haaaang oooon! How many weeks are in May this year?'

There followed a period of 8D Team Silence.

13^th Feb 2117

Domestic Stress Procedure #7801 - SNORING

Partner 1: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Partner 2: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Partner 2 kicks partner 1.

Partner 1: 'Hey! What d'you kick me for?'

Partner 2: 'You were snoring.'

Partner 1: 'No I wasn't.'

After a few minutes of aggressive quilt tugging, a grumpy silence falls.

Partner 2: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Partner 1: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Partner 1 kicks partner 2.

Partner 2: 'Hey! What d'you kick me for?'

Partner 1: 'You were snoring.'

Partner 2: 'No I wasn't.'

After a few minutes of aggressive quilt tugging, a grumpy silence falls.

Repeat until the sun comes up/ the alarm goes off/ leaps out of bed in search of a machete.

8^th Feb 2117

To: All Globalbot Budget Holders

From: Globalbot Finance Dept

Subject: Quarterly BVA Issued For Ops Review

Dear All,

Your Q4 2116 Ops BVA have now been uploaded to your Departmental Sorepoint site. Please note that, as Finance cannot currently make any sense of its own BVA, we will not be able to assist with answering any queries before Ops review ('%^&*! They're abandoning us!' yelled GAT in an ill-advised moment of naked panic). Further, I would like to clarify my earlier confusing guidance notes that turned out to be dependent on the screen resolution of your PC (they all looked fine on my PC). Remember, PCs are merely fast idiots and it is good practice to check anything that does not look correct. ('YES, yes, but how the b^^&*$%y H$@! do you know it's wrong in the first place?) To be clear, you are expected to report on Q4 2116, the outturn of 2116 against the H2 2116 budget ('We only saw that yesterday!) and forecast variance for Q1 and Q2 2117 ('Blast, I left my crystal ball in that bar in Singapore!)

'And the brain in a jar we nicked from Finance died when it was PAT tested,' I added in a moment of rare sympathy.

3^rd Feb 2117

Recent Tannoy announcements:

Zyber Borg, please contact reception.

Dalek Jaws call 4128, Dazlek Bones 4128.

Crisp Packet, please contact reception.

[rustle rustle rumble] Please er would . . . er . . . call . . . . [Click]

. . no, really? I didn't think he was the type. Who would have thought he'd do that! Oh %^&*! The mike isn't on is it? [Click]

F yourar thowner of awite beeumdubbleyou eff gee fourzero tee zed yoove leftyor litzon

1^st Feb 2117

Excerpt from Globalbot CCTV Policy 890-375011:

. . . blah . . blah . . blah . . employees are forbidden from mooning at any CCTV camera on site.

A few things spring to mind amongst which:

1. How would Globalbot identify the culprit?

2. It's okay for Globalbot employees moon non-company CCTV cameras?

26^th Jan 2117

[Camera 1 to Question master]: Thinkbot, welcome to Mastermind.

[Camera 2 to Contestant]: Thank you, it's great to be here.

[Camera 1 to Question master]: Thinkbot, you will now have the opportunity to answer questions for two minutes on your chosen specialist subject Globalbot TroubleNet records between 2110 and 2116.

In TroubleNet 308911 what was it that Globabot forgot to ship?

The consumable spares.

Correct. What was considered too difficult to achieve in TNet 440190?

Snowbot manuals in Mongolian.

Correct. How many TroubleNets did Winebottling International submit in 2113?

Seven thousand four hundred and twenty six.

No, close, but sorry I can't give it to you, it was 7,462.

What was the main complaint made by Swatchbot Inc in TNet 601101?

A software glitch caused their Globalbot-built stores robots to insert a random leap-month into their materials delivery drop dead dates.

Correct. What is the longest time a TNet has been left at pending?

Eighty four years.

Correct. What happens if you attach an incorrect document to a TNet?

It stays there forever, you can't delete them.

Correct. What travel arrangements went wrong in TNet 709901?

The system booked a train ticket to Portland Dorset rather than a flight to Portland Oregon.

Correct. In TNet 445037 what was shipped in place of an out of stock item for a robot down in Taiwan?

The item's plastic Stores bin.

Correct. What was reported about a service engineer in TNet 902871?

Er . . his underpants had caught fire?

No, he'd gone native and given all his Globalbot network passwords to a customer.

I eventually scored 14 with no passes. Not bad huh?

22^nd Jan 2117

To: All Globalbot

From: Service Bulletins R Us

Subject: MSB405596

Dear All,

Please note that the following Bulletin has been released:

Publication	Title	Revision	Date Posted
MSB405596	Marketing Personnel Becoming Drained During Transit	Z	20/01/2117

Synopsis

During hypersonic transit, Marketing staff are exposed to severe risks such as free alcohol and unlimited in-flight movies whilst disconnected from more familiar corporate pastimes such as reading and writing superfluous emails and talking dramatically about nothing in particular on their mobile devices. This can result in the Marketing Engineer arriving in a semi-vegetative state of frozen panic, unable to tell the difference between a blockbuster Hollywood plot and the actual status at a typical customer site. This bulletin outlines corrective measures that can be applied, for example dousing in ice cold water, probing in sensitive areas (gloves required), or in the last resort engaging an actor to visit the customer site perchance the Factory Marketing Engineer is in an irrecoverable state.

18^th Jan 2117

13^th Jan 2117

SPLATTERBOT™

Yet another Techno-Commercial triumph today with the release of SPLATTERBOT ™ robot control algorithms into Globalbot software R519.6.B.SP91¾.

What SPLATTERBOT ™ was supposed to do:

Splatterbot™ enables users of Globalbot robots to automatically compensate for small differences in robot control systems to give identical performance across a common robot set.

(For the purposes of fooling auditors, hiding hardware faults, and a general warm feeling all round)

What SPLATTERBOT ™ actually did (excerpts from actual TroubleNet reports):

On installing Splatterbot™ the robot had an epileptic fit.

Of the 56 packaging robots in our set, 28 stopped dead and 5 started throwing inventory into the lake.

THE $^&!@#*! tHING jusT KEPT On BuGling UNTIL WE STOPPED IT with a mallet

The robot insisted its name was 'Biggles'

11^th Jan 2117

From: Mark Eting, VP of Convincing Illusions
Sent: 11 January 2117 11:01
To: All@Globalbot
Subject: Improved communication of Spec responses to customers

Dear All,

In an effort to provide clarity in our responses to customer requirements specifications for Globalbot robots a standardized colour coding system has been adopted. For specifications we definitely comply with, the response shall be written in an upbeat GREEN. Specifications we are unsure about will also be written in green - but in a slightly more sober tone thus - GREEN. For items we definitely do not meet the response shall also be in green, but with a green background to ensure the non-compliance is clear - GREEN .

So, to be clear:

Comply

Comply with clarification

Non-comply

Regards,

Mark

In keeping with the spirit of the whole exercise, Engineering are developing their own naturally-based colour coding system to keep track of Globalbot product maturity:

8^th Jan 2117

ECO: E30919

Class: B (Amend WIP)

Title: Add 4087114 Rabbit's foot to Master BOMs of all Globalbot robots

Reason: We need all the help we can get

Status: Hopeless

Comments: Current Global Economic Climate has caused severe rabbit shortages

6^th Jan 2117

IT'S A COCK UP!

[Camera 1 to Host]: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to another episode of It's A Cock Up! where the comical antics of four multinational corporations are matched up against each other in a titanic struggle of mind-boggling ineptitude!

[Rapturous applause. Camera 3 to audience.]

[Camera 1 to Host]: On tonight's show we have Nutz & Nachos, Globalbot, Thumpers Ales and Sahara Kagools.

[Cut to scoreboard showing contestants each with a score of 0]

[Camera 1 to Host]: Remember the rules - we outline the monumental cock up made by each contestant after which they have a chance to shift blame onto some hapless third party and escape being It's a Cock Up champion via an audience vote.

Well that's enough of that. Suffice it to say that Globalbot's shipment of a 3-armed milk carton packaging bot to Taiwan when it should have been a 4-legged Astrobot to Peru defied all blame transfer efforts aimed at the humble supplier Airhorns-R-Us. But Nutz & Nachos efforts at mixing M6 nuts with corn flakes was tough competition, and Thumpers Ales drunken Ops Review brawl went down a treat. But as it turns out, Sahara Kagools' strategy to sell up-market rain protective clothing to the most parched regions of the planet won the round.