The rest, as they say, is history (assuming you opted for it at GCSE).

Ah, but such a theme! Truly, in every relationship there lurks the ghost of a past girlfriend or boyfriend, or maybe of the person you really love. Lots of people learn to love someone against the backdrop of a fantasy. Yet nonetheless girls will love life. No doubt about it. In spite of the fact they ended up marrying a legless talking football.

Terrific stuff! Apart from the minor fact it's set in a disabled toilet.

Sandy is a normal teenage girl, but not in the eyes of her imaginative friend, Imogen, who thinks of her as a fish. And not any old fish either. No, this is an heroic fish that grew up in a tough DEFRA laboratory where she was abused bullied as a sprat.

This is an inspiring story of a small fish that fights her way up to the dizzy heights of playing for Weston Football Club at Woodspring Park. But tragically, she's eaten by a seagull in the 26^th minute leaving rest of us in the dark as to who won.

1. An inferior, rotten, or worthless person or thing.

2. Youth movement of late 1970s characterised by anti-establishment  slogans and bondage gear.

3. Adherent of punk rock.

4. A petty criminal or hoodlum.

5. Dried or decayed wood that that smoulders when ignited.

Um ,er, um ,um, well. Let's, um . . er . . . and this is a sequel as well. I wonder what the first book was like?

Meanwhile Wol, god of owls, makes war on the donkeys by staging a donkey race through the woods, and the owls are treated to a grand view of the donkeys knocking themselves out. What will happen when the Donkeys regain consciousness? Read on  . . .

But little does he know of the Legend of the  Magic Fire Foam . . .

If you like stories with larger than life characters, erudite puns and gratuitous explosions, then this is the tale for you.

The dwarf secretly meets with the cucumbers and carrots in the cabbage patch.

The potter, in reality an undercover agent for the Chilean underground vegetable agency (CUVA), arrives at Heathrow.

The dwarf, acting as the veggie go -between, waits in Arrivals.

Spotting each other via their agreed protocol (both of them are covered with mud), they dodge into a toilet cubicle. The dwarf pulls out a juicy carrot, the potter pulls out a pen . . . 

I'm going to kill him!

Who? What? Where? When? Why? And, more to the point, how?

However, the squirrel's sadistic fruit fantasies are disrupted by the installation of a new electrical sub-station next to the home. The squirrel watches in puzzlement as other squirrels enter the sub-station looking for nuts, only for the lights to go out.

 What's happening to its fellow squirrels?

How will it affect its love life?

Except there's no such thing as 'ordinary'.

Staying late at school one evening with some friends, she finds that the caretaker is no ordinary caretaker. But what is he? An alien? A wizard? A premiership footballer? Maybe even a tax inspector?

Dabbling too deep she and her friends trifle with danger as they seek to resolve  . .  The Mystery of the Phantom Caretaker.

Guy fancies his best friend.

The evil elephant falls in love with a man.

Are these statements connected?

 Does the penguin care?

Given the unknowns are not unknowns I suspect the penguin knows that Guy does not know that the elephant  knows that the penguin does not know.

MI6 top brass know there is a lot at stake - failure could mean the loss of a development turkey brain - one that has been genetically engineered for front line anti-duck counter-measures. Allied with the penguins, Little-bunny pursues Frog through enchanted forests and magic steams until they reach  . . .The Volcano - (which is hot enough to fry penguin eggs).

What? Hey! Repeating myself? What cheek! It was one of you lot that wrote 'One thread- overlapping.'

Oh well, never mind. We clearly have an amphibious stalker that latches onto and takes advantage of  an insecure frog on holiday at the seaside. Eventually they kiss and, to their horror, discover they're trapped in a reality Chicklit plot not a fantasy.

Intrigued, the dog urinates on the fence and goes to check on its dinner prospects. Disappointed, it returns fully intending to eat the rabbit.

But Adder the purple psychic rabbit speaks a deep truth  into the mind of the dog: The  colour of the lizard controls the future of the planet. But the lizard has no colour . . . . . yet.

The mouse ran through the park carrying an orange banana.

Arnold the artichoke begged the mouse to marry him.

The secret lovers decided to adopt Arnold.

The orange banana made a pass at Arnold the artichoke.

The mouse was jealous and ran off.

Are you following this? No? Well that'll teach you to have a plot with confusing paragraphs.

Brian the leprechaun is jealous. He also loves Lamb Pie and is fed up of mankind getting the best of everything.

This action-packed human-pie- leprechaun romance will keep you gripped until the final page.

All in all I think the alien and the pet dog have got their work cut out to rescue a story from this dross.

Oh dear.

The book poses two fundamental existential questions about a solar-powered cow, and a flying squirrel.

Not much hope for the squirrel I fear as we are to investigate its anatomy.

As for the cow I think it'd be better off sticking to eating grass and farting methane.

However, a cow powered by a wind turbine. That'd be a sight.

Is there a book here? Debatable.

'I was bombing down the left wing at Stamford Bridge International Zoo when I was brought down by a camel posing as a right back. On regaining consciousness I realised the mono-humped dromedary was my England pal Gary Neville.

'Hey Ashley, my fiancé is an evil witch with acne. What should I do?'

'Get married and have kids!'

'Are you serious?' he wailed.

'You never know, you might have a son who's a genuine wizard right back.'