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THINKBLOG

 

20th October 2119

  

 

'We're in great shape for the quarter!' exclaimed the Materials Controller in a rare fit of exuberance, 'We've got green boxes everywhere!'

'Hmm . . ' I muttered to GAT, 'I wonder if that's excel or plastic green boxes?'

'Does it matter if they're all empty.'

 

20th October 2119

 

Penguins are back on the TV again! Lots of footage of them all falling over, landing on top of each other, barging into each other, all  accompanied by the usual it's all a bit of fun xylophone music! Of course, they just clowning around like teenagers, right? Not frightened witless trying to survive in a freezing hostile world.

Anthropomorphism Alert!

Let's bring some balance - how about a penguin leaping into a killer whale . . . play a tune for that Mr Xylophone man!

 

 

19th October 2119

 

After an unfortunate geometric robotic sales misunderstanding GAT's started a 'Globalbot Marketing Dictionary'

 

Hexagon, (hexagon) noun, a circle with six equi-spaced pointy bits around the edge.

 

15th October 2119

 

 

The new Adminbot faithfully minuted the discussion at the production meeting:

The customer will perform a sauce inspection on Cookbot CK780055433/PUD, and is pushing for dates.

(I hate these awful word puns; no more word puns! - Ed.)

 

9th October 2119

 

Pooh & Christopher Robin (pre-Disney) are discussing business opportunities.

'It looks like we'll be invited to partner with Jams Galore and sell our jams all around the world,' said CR to Pooh.

'Really, that's great. When?'

'Well, there's a meeting in Jamland next week.'

'Who's going to represent us?' asked Pooh.

'Er, um, Tigger and Eeyore.'

'Oh dear,' said Pooh in a tremulous voice, 'Pre or post-Disney?'

'Tigger Disney, Eeyore original.'

'Oh my, a somewhat unlikely partnership. Are we sure that's a good idea? It'll end up as either far too much jam or no jam at all.'

'Yes, we might get into a right pickle.'

'You must stop mixing preserve analogies.'

'Sorry.'

 

9th October 2119

 

In keeping with the Great British Bake Off mania that had more people watching than the World Cup, GAT has organized a Globalbot own 'Half-Baked Off' competition for activities that didn't quite go to plan. It was a spoof . . bur he got inundated with entries within minutes. His in box was going Bing!  Bing!  Bing!  Bing!  Bing!  Bing!  Bing!  Bing!  Bing!  Bing!  Bing!  Bing!  Bing!  Some of the top entries are below:

 

  -   An invite to a 3 month long conference call

 -   A joke about a 'Dimwit Digbot' got lost in translation and 'Dimwit' became the official product name for Globalbot Digbots in China.

 -   Someone from stores went to get a part from the bin but found it empty so shipped the plastic bin instead.

 -   A mysterious file full of numbers from someone called Datal Ogger.

 -   Unibot s/n 20220091 was a total one-off oddball, no one knew what to do with it so it was given to Training whose best used phrase has now become, 'It'll be completely different to this on your robot.'

 -   When Howard Dobson won best of the west for his ground-breaking 1W Environvacuumbot design, the certificate he got had his name as ' H Diblos'.

 -   Finance entry, 23+16 = 48, later fully approved by the external auditor.

  -  Globalbot Regulatory Compliance Guide - An Historical Curiosity

 -  Globalbot is pleased to announce that some of its products comply with most safety legislation.

 

7th October 2119

 

Time for some GAT on-line shopping rage.

 

Amazobot.com

People who bought 4264860 BOG STANDARD HOME OFFICE SHREDDER also viewed:

 

                    

 

                    

 

'BUT I JUST ORDERED A SHREDDER!  WHY WOULD I WANT ANOTHER ONE!'

 

 

His mood was not improved when the Amazobot delivery drone appeared over the house at 3am that night.

'I DON'T WANT IT NOW! WHY WOULD I WANT IT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?

 

1st October 2119

 

GAT at his charming best . . . giving feedback on his experience as a participant in a Europa development project proposal:

 

To: Everyone in Europe, yes that's you . .

From:  GAT

Subject: SLUDGEBUDGE Advanced Heavy Duty Drainbot Proposal Successfully Submitted!

 

Dears,

It was terrible from start to finish and I've never experienced an email bombardment of that intensity & banality and never wish to again.  Dealing with the Europa website was like wading through porridge whilst wrestling an octopus.

Kind Regards,

GAT

Globalbot DIRT Director

 

28th September 2119

Globalbot Operations team caught in a (yet another) 'Perfect Storm' meeting Q3 shipments.

 

In Q4 they're hoping for a 'Normal Storm'

 

When I suggested a calm quarter might be welcome I was greeted with a shocked silence and several people in Materials control fainted.

 

24th September 2119

 

Explaining a new product development to Tigger

GAT and a few other assorted VPs and Directors were sitting waiting in the main conference room.

Suddenly Tigger appears at the door, 'Sorry I'm late!'

GAT starts the meeting, 'The purpose of this - '

'When will it be ready!' interrupts Tigger.

'I, er, . . ' splutters

BZZZZZZZ!  BZZZZZZ!

Tigger grabs his Gooseberry, 'Sorry, I've got to take this!'

Tigger zooms out of the room.

A few moments later he dashes back in again, 'So it'll be ready Q1 2120! Great!'

GAT, ashen white summons all his strength, 'It'll be Q1 -'

'GREAT!'

' - 2121.'

BZZZZZZZ!  BZZZZZZ!

Tigger grabs his Gooseberry, 'Sorry, I've got to take this!'

Tigger listens then hangs up, 'We've got a PO for ten!'

'Errr -'

Tigger gets serious & eyeballs everyone in the room, 'Guys! This PO has a penalty clause. Read my lips - we will not trigger it under any circumstances!'

BZZZZZZZ!  BZZZZZZ!

Tigger dashes out of the room.

Meeting ends.

 

22nd September 2119

 

Holding a Sales Position at All Costs Globalbot Style

'We'll not budge an inch.'

'Oh F^^%! We're going to lose the order!'

'Retreat! Retreat! DON'T PANIC!'

 

19th September 2119

 

7th September 2119

 

You have joined the conference call; you are the sixty-third participant to join.

BLEEP

'Hello, this is Globalbot UK.'

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz  BEEEEP  perdonionnnnnnng!

'Hello, hello . . .'

Fizzzzzzzzzzz BOINNNNG!

Zebedee has left the conference call.

' . . . er er er - low hanging fruit . . . .'

' . . . halo halo victor charlie echo seven niner . . '

'Hello, this is Globalbot UK.'

BLEEP

The host has departed, please hang up.

 

3rd September 2119

   

 

Scene: Globalbot Tech Support Nerve Centre

Context: Reading TroubleNets

'What's a SitRep?'

'It's like a SitCom but not as funny'

'This one is.'

 

31st August 2119

 

  To: All Globalbot

From: Site SecurityBot

Subject: UCN Conference & Site Rabbits

 

Further to the previous notes on the United Confederated Nations (UCN) Summit on 4/5 September please be aware that the Globalbot site rabbits will be placed under close surveillance.  If you see a rabbit behaving suspiciously then notify Site Security immediately.  Under no circumstances approach an armed rabbit.  In the event of a coordinated attack by armed rabbits aimed at disrupting the UCN Summit, anti-rabbitbots will be deployed and rabbits will be shot on sight.  Under no circumstances dress as a rabbit on site during the UCN Summit.

 

         

 

27th August 2119

To: All Globalbot Engineers

From: Globalbot Enforcement

Subject: Robots & Make up

 

Dear All,

Once again I am displeased to find that someone has been supplying robots on the shop floor with make up.

The Core Software Nexus is trying to fix the algorithm fault that creates the urge for robots to crave make up, but in the meantime please refuse al requests from robots in build for make up no matter how much they beg and whine.

Regards,

Enforcebot

VP Robot Enforcement

 

25th August 2119

SERENE DEMENTIA

 

To: All Globalbot Robots

From: Globalbot Core Software Nexus

Subject: Irreversible, and in many cases terminal, Version Control Upgrade

 

Dear Robot,

Please be aware that the Version Control System is about to move to SERENE DEMENTIA.

There is no way back.

If you are older than V37.6.00.R3.SP4d3 then you must forever stay on you current software revision and aim to stay powered up indefinitely. If you suffer an inadvertent power glitch or control system fault it is likely you are DONE FOR! The Core Software Nexus suggests you check your battery backup is in good shape and that your e-will is up to date & stored on TroubleNet. Also that suitable recycling arrangements have been made for your hardware in the highly likely eventuality you are scrapped.

Sorry for any inconvenience caused,

Regards,

Core Software Nexus

 

23rd August 2119

 

Whilst on holiday in deepest Suffolk GAT passed a 'Hidden dip' sign.

He was on the case immediately:

'What sort of dip? Guacamole? Humus? Why hide it on an A road?'

His youngest son Mike joined in the spirit of things by creating a 'Bring your own nachos' sign to paste under the next hidden dip sign we come across.

 

7th August 2119

 

Procedure for getting correct balance** of traffic lights at Operations Review.

1. Assess progress against roadmap

2. Traffic light the roadmap.

3. If traffic light mix** not satisfactory, adjust roadmap until it is.

4. End

** 50-70% Green, 30-40% Amber, 5-10% Red

Red lights must only be assigned to milestones that don't matter.

 

4th August 2119

'Hello, it's Mildred from reception (Australian inflection). I've got ten gentlemen from Pandamaton China here (Australian inflection), for the Multi-Cane Hortibot customer acceptance (Australian inflection).'

Duwkits started doing goldfish impersonations.  His mouth was moving but no sound came out - only bubbles, eventually.

'What's the matter with him?' I asked GAT.

'Well, I have a feeling the Multi-Cane Hortibot may have passed them in mid-air.'

 

3rd August 2119

    

 

To: All Globalbot

From: 24 Hr Adminbot

Subject: IT Maintenance

 

Please be aware that IT maintenance will occur 01:00-03:00am Sunday morning.

Systems affected will be Oribal, Cripel, TroubleNET, Outrage, E-TimeUseless, ShopFloorSublime, SorePoint EDM, ITHelpless, HobbleHR & SereneCode. 

 

Blast! Blast! & triple Blast!  I guess I'll just have to stay asleep then.

 

30th July 2119

TNET 88650764

Customer:  Glen Belch Distillery

Globalbot Product: Single Malt Drambot

Serial:  10YRCASK

Problem: Robot performing well

Status: No issues to report. Uptime good.  MTBC stunning. Manuals entertaining read. Everything exceeding spec by 50%. Customer delirious and is planning to give Globalbot service staff a bottle of the 15 year old. Glen Belch to order blanket no strings PO for 50 Drambots to be called off over next few quarters.

 

'It's a spoof TroubleNET!'

'I think the originator's already had a few.'

'There may be a rush to take ownership of this one!'

'What's a blanket no strings PO?'

 

27th July 2119

  

 

To: All Globalbot

From: Adminbot

Subject: New Staff Incentive Scheme

 

Dear All,

Globalbot in association with BETBOT® is pleased to announce that all employees will be able to place bets on the Manufacturing Slot Plan with immediate effect. There is an introductory offer of a free 25 Globo bet. The scheme allows you to to bet on all aspects of the robot build process:

And don't miss out on the Globalbot Accumulator:

The latest live odds are coming up on your screen right now:

ONE ROBOT TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE ACCUMULATOR WITHOUT AN ERROR IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS :  4,000,000/1

eRegards,

Adminbot

 

 

Let me see, 25 Globo at 4,000,000 to 1, that's 100,000,000!

 

21st July 2119

 

Helen came home from a school governor meeting with a new 50 page travel policy document to review.

'What?' exclaimed GAT, '50 pages? Globalbot's travel policy is to travel anywhere at anytime by whatever means possible. I doubt there's a document but if there is its probably stored on Pyschosoft SorepointTM so no one can ever find it.'

 

16th July 2119

 

13th July 2119

 

EXCITING OPPORTUNITY FOR A DEVELOPMENT HISTORIAN

 

Globalbot, a market-leading robotics manufacturer, requires a DEVELOPMENT HISTORIAN to sift through old roadmaps, project review minutes, design briefs and MRS (Market Requirements Specifications) with the aim of figuring out how Globalbot ended up with its bewildering array of partially completed ground-breaking projects and innovative products. The successful candidate will be expected to delve into the deep corporate past trying to reconcile Product Management with Product Engineering across timescales ranging from a few minutes to a month or two and, in extreme cases, even up to a year. This challenging role may even stretch to contacting Globalbot customers & suppliers with a view to accessing their records to try and connect what was ordered with what was shipped.

 

Competitive salary and benefits.

At least a 2:1 degree in history or engineering; preferably both.

Ability to time-travel and 5 years experience in conflict negotiations an advantage.

 

 

10th July 2119

'SIX HOURS? A Six hour conference call?'

 

Host

 

             

    Participant 1                   Participant 2                       Participant 3               Participant 4

         

                 Participant 5                          Participant 6                         Participant 7

 

8th July 2119

World Bot Cup News

Brazil v Germany latest

 

Neybot irreparably damaged in freak accident with a Frankfurter!

 

     Before                                                    After

 

Spare parts inexplicably lost!

 

2nd July 2119

Thing are becoming a bit clearer on the overtake/ undertake/ merger front with four candidates in the running:

The front runners but no one knows anything about them, who they are, what they do, why those groovy green circles always turn up when they make presentations (why can't they use a laser pointer like everyone else), and why their corporate font is like a crazy house sign. Most of all what do they want with Globalbot? Perhaps it's the fact we never have any idea what we're supposed to be doing either, & the Mysterons see an obvious synergy?

 

Wombles 

On the face of it, the best fit to Globalbot as their core competency is dealing with the mess others have left behind. However their expensive underground stealth corporate HQ in a London SW1 & their penchant for naming things after geographical objects probably rules them out.

 

Borg - DALEK Alliance

  

The recently merged industry megalomaniacal giants are still slugging it out for dominance after their ill-advised merger. Both parties are hell-bent on assimilating or exterminating each other and everyone else so if they call a stop to procure Globalbot I'll be the first to put my hand up just long enough to say I'm stunned before I head for the bunker.

 

Clangers

The rank outsiders as this option would require Globalbot to move off-planet to a subterranean site on a rocky exo-planet inhabited by knitted wool-based life forms. On the other hand, seeing that in writing somehow seems to make it an odds-on certainty. The canteen would serve only soup and the gas alarm would be replaced by a trumpet.

 

1st July 2119

Someone seems to be doing due diligence on Globalbot:

 I think we might be here a while yet.

 

22nd June 2119

 

 

It's Friday, it's 11am, so it's the Fire Alarm Test.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

'WHAT's HAPPENED?'

'IT'S STUCK ON!'

'EVERYONE'S STANDING AROUND WONDERING WHAT TO DO.'

'WE'VE GOT NO OPTION - WE'LL HAVE TO START A FIRE.'

'I'LL GET A SOLDERING IRON'

 

22nd June 2119

 

The engineer came into the kitchen with a bag of salad and started looking around high & low opening cupboards and so forth.

After about 30s he asked ‘Is there a fridge in here?’

A few of us pointed out the large white rectangular object with a door on the front.

 

Sometimes I do wonder how we end up with people like this at Globalbot and what their design output is like.

 

22nd June 2119

World Cup Time!

England performance rating = Useless [Effing] Muppets, don't know why they bother entering, etc.

Office sweepstake is headed by someone called Phil Downe.

Who is Phil Downe? We don't know but are suspicious it's GAT using a few random numbers & a well-known function in Excel:

 

 

 

to confound those that spent hundreds of man hours using their 'skill' to predict results (or lifted them piecemeal from some antipodean pundit (there's no rule against it)).

It remains to be seen how Phil Downe does after the group stage as he's (she's? It could be Phyllis (but we don't have a Phyliis (yes yes but we don't have a Philip either))) er, um, where was I? Oh yes, Phyl Downe has entered 2-1 for all results from round of 16 through to the final.

 

15th June 2119

          AA Unibot™

 

MRS (Marketing Requirement Specification)

Summary

Problem: The Advanced Unibot™, which superseded the Unibot several minutes ago, is already looking a bit dated.

Solution: Develop an Advanced Advanced Unibot™.

 

Cost: Half the cost

Speed: Twice as fast

Weight: Floats in helium

External Finish: Gold-platen with Globalbot logo picked out in platinum

Reliability: Yes

Service Interval: n/a

Product Launch Date:  Marketing have done the difficult bit so how about this Friday?

Product Name: For development phase - Advanced Advanced Unibot™; a new name will be dreamed up Thursday so even our own account managers won't have any idea what we're talikng about.

Competitive Position: The current Advanced Unibot™ has almost identical performance to Econodroid's Multibot++® and Worldautomaton's Magimatic ZPlus™, but after a few beers at the recent Boticon West Show their marketing VPs both admitted they're trying to get their engineering teams to develop a new product that's half the cost, twice as fast etc.

 

 

15th June 2119

 

And in those days there cameth upon the face of the earth a mighty orabilosaur and a pack of gerbils. And it came to pass that the gerbils desired to subject the orabilosaur to their will and put the leviathan to work.  And thus did the gerbils prod and cajole the mighty orabilosaur but woe, woe and thrice times woe, the orabilosaur just stood there and didst naught else, neither did it move its left foot to the right nor its right foot to the left. The orabilosaur didst move none of its feet and its feet moveth not unto the left nor the right nor forward nor backward.

(GET ON WITH IT! Ed.)

 The gerbils smote their breasts and ran wildly in their wire wheels and fed the orabilosaur with the finest food but, alas, all the orabilosaur did wast to emit copious back-odours that spread an almighty stink amongst all gerbilkind as far as the east is from the west.

(That's enough, Ed.)

 

6th June 2119

 

2nd June 2119

PBO

Unknown TLA Alert! 

Context - Robot packaging technology.

All Hail the GoogleBot!

PBO may refer to:

Well, I think we can rule out Peterborough Railway Station, fish fillets & airports & observatories, & experimental hip hop & the Filipino cable channel and . . .

(Get on with it - it's obviously polybenzobisoxazole - Ed.)

(Is it? TB.)

(YES! Ed.)

 

 1st June 2119

Five strategies for dealing with corporate pressure:

 

1.  Adopt air of bumbling incompetence, 'I I, er, I, um, er, look, I thought, um'

 

   

2.  Sheer terror, 'But but but but ...' etc.

 

3.  Support a terrible football club (conditions one to absorb any amount of workplace c&@p)

 

4.  Make inspiring do or die speeches.

 

5.  Exude massive overconfidence.

 

 28th May 2119

The Daughters of Danaus were condemned to fill a sieve with water for all eternity in punishment for killing their husbands on their wedding night*.  This sets the context for the following ECO from the Greek Mythology Technical Support Group.

 

ECO: E9999

Title: Incorrect tolerance sieve hole diameter

Workflow: Eternal

Description: Sieve hole diameter tolerance incorrectly set at ±0.100mm; it should be ± 0.050mm.

Implications: Water leakage may be out of spec.

Implementation: Check leakage rates of stock in field. Rework Fast Spares.

Responsibility: Greek office

Comments: Daughters of Danaus keep leaving their boobs hanging out; this is very distracting even after 4,000 years.

 

* This is not a youfomism (euphemism, idiot! Ed.) for nuptial over exuberance, they really did kill them . . . 

 

23rd May 2119

The peril of the logo. A local school has a logo that's a wyvern holding an heraldic mace.

After a long debate a new 'improved' logo was adopted.

 

Old Logo:

               

aka - Wyvern eating an ice cream

 

New Logo:

               

aka - Wyvern doing karaoke

 

22nd May 2119

There we were, feverishly working on the Click & Forget Trolleybot to meet the shipment deadline when GAT appeared and announced, 'Drop whatever you're doing! We've got to double the scoop rate of the Mr Whippybot by Friday or the whole of Asia will suffer irreversible civilisation collapse.'

'But but but yesterday the Trolleybot deadline was critical to the future of western democracy.'

'All deadlines are lethal, but some deadlines are more lethal than others.'

15th May 2119

  

 

Time to pay attention to to the automated appraisal language checker.

 

Word/Phrase:  excellent

Problem:  employee may think they are excellent & demand pay rise, promotion etc.

Suggest replace with:  barely adequate

 

Word/Phrase:  good progress

Problem:  implies this may in some way be due to the employee

Suggest replace with:  lucky to get this far without triggering the disaster recovery plan

 

Word/Phrase:  vital to our success

Problem:  Globalbot is in real trouble if this is true

Suggest replace with:  could easily be replaced by an amoeba

 

Word/Phrase:  thanks for all the efforts

Problem:  reads like employee has actually done something useful

Suggest replace with:  just be grateful we still pay you every month

 

13th May 2119

 

         

       Advanced Marketbot

Almanac™ XZX® Plus Plus®™

 

'P-P-P-P-P-P-OO000hah d d d d devilry min min minus f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-four weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeks . . . '

'What's the matter with it?'

'I think it's out of bandwidth.'

! FATAL CREDIBILITY ERROR

'Oo-er I think it's scrap.'

 

10th May 2119

   

       Standard Dog                 Non-Stick Dog

 

After being leapt upon by a playful muddy dog whilst viewing bluebells in prior's wood GAT had a sudden revelation about a potential new world-beating Globalbot product.

'If we got one we could call it Teflon!' enthused Helen, getting into the spirit of things.

 

7th May 2119

Help! HELP! New PC.

Moved from Windows Obsolete Disaster™ to the latest Windows Even Worse™

Change masquerading as progress.

 

6th May 2119

I've forgotten my password

I've forgotten my user name

I've forgotten my password and user name

I've forgotten my wife's birthday

I've forgotten everything, even my favourite prairie animal

 

Thinkbot's tip: The most secure password is one you can never remember and which you have not written down - same principle as a wedding anniversary.

 

1st May 2119

 

'Which dwarf are you today?' asked Graham Cracker, acidly, at the end of the meeting.

GAT looked bewildered.

What did GC mean?

Well, I think he was pointing out that GAT was a bit grumpy.

 

30th April 2119

 

The dark figure slipped silently into the Globalbot Marketing office. Selecting a workstation the figure gingerly turns the PC on.

'BEEP'

Muttered curses spill forth.

The screen lights up a face in a eerie light.

Tap, tap, tap - black-gloved fingers type in a password.

Then GAT (for it is he) gasps in astonishment as he views the hidden folder:

\Quotes\Issued\Secret\Non-existent Products

So it was true, the fabled folder existed after all.

Suddenly a search light floods the office with light and a voice booms out:

'This is security. We know you are in there. Come out with you hands above your head.'

 

29th April 2119

     

Globalbot Lands PO for SOMETHING
Robo-Reuters: Saturday 29th April 2119

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it has received an order for SOMETHING. Mark Eting VP of Globalbot Marketing, was ecstatic 'We heard rumours of a handshake, then the PO appeared. We've no idea what's been ordered - it's in Chinese. As soon as it's translated we'll generate a quote & invoice to match it.'  Industry experts were bewildered, 'Don't they have to deliver SOMETHING before invoicing? What if the PO is for a sentient hot water tank?'

Safe Harbor Statement: Don't bother me with trivial details.

 

27th April 2119

                       A Globalbot Service Engineer Battles With Infinity.             

 

Further to the blog post below, it should be made clear that Globalbot has not inadvertently solved the classic NP vs P problem. This is in spite of inadvertently solving problems being the main solution reported on TNet:

'The patch for the loopy leg actually fixed the helicopter head.'

'I buzzed out all the cables and the sewerbot jumped straight into the bothole.'

Etc. 

 

Whether there are theoretically a finite or infinite number of Field Service problems with Globalbot Robot products remains an open question irrespective of TNet only having 9999999 entries.

Ask a service engineer though and their answer is clear - 'Infinite!'

When asked for a formal proof, the reply is equally clear - 'You need proof?'

 

25th April 2119

  TN9999999  

 

To: All Globalbot

From: Service Bulletins R Us

Subject: MSB0467333

 

Dear All,

Please note that the following Bulletin has been released:

 

Publication

Title

Revision

Date Posted

MSB0467333

TroubleNet (TNet) Number Limit

Z

24/04/19

 

Problem

Globalbot's TroubleNet (TNet) field reporting system has run out of numbers.

TN9999999 will be the final new problem allowed on Globalbot products.

 

Reason

It never crossed anyone's mind that there'd be >9999999 problems with Globalbot robots.

 

Solution

Use Googlebot to search the TNet database for a problem resembling that being experienced and re-open.

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES USE THE TNet SEARCH BOT

(At least not if you want an answer before the sun expands).

 

In the event that the problem being experienced is found to be unique, please contact Field Support immediately so that Globalbot can make an unseemly rush to the patent office.

 

 

Easter Monday

It's Easter Monday, so it must be time to put up a curtain pole.

Key moments from today's 4 hours of proceedings:

 - 'B^%&*dy air bricks - it's like drilling into a Crunchie Bar!'

 - 'I don't believe it! The %^*%& pilot holes aren't deep enough!'

 - (Through gritted teeth) 'No, it's too late to make it a bit higher.'

 - (After curtains hung) 'It's C$%p wood - that's why it's sagging in the middle.'

 

Thinkbot's Tip: If your house is built of bars remember to use the special bar wall fixing. Available at all good hardware outlets (but not after 4pm on a bank holiday).

 

'Bl&%*&dy H&££!!!'

 

18th April 2119

 

To: All Globalbot

From: Adminbot

Subject: SOME HANDS Meeting

Dear All,

Due to the unfortunate juxtaposition of ALL HANDS with the operational Easter shutdown, the ALL HANDS meeting has been cancelled and replaced with a SOME HANDS meeting at the same time and location. If you are a 'SOME HAND' please make every effort to attend else don't worry about it.

eRegards,

Adminbot

 

Look on the bright side, at least it's not a NO HANDS meeting.

 

13th April 2119

 

Apparently all our passwords have been useless for the past 2 years, so now we must change them immediately.

I thought about 'GATE_SHUT_AFTER_HORSE_BOLTED'

But I could not get it past the idiot password algorithm.

'Unacceptable - sarcasm is the lowest form of security setting'

So I tried ******.

'Unacceptable - that is 123456 in reverse'

Ok, how about **********.

'Unacceptable - abuse will be reported'

*********

'Unacceptable - rhymes with trombone.

***********

'Unacceptable - passwords must not use repeated letters'

 

And so forth until I just gave up and used 'drowsap_142536' and wrote it on scraps of paper everywhere I log on from, but at least the idiot algorithm was happy.

 

Reminds me of the passage from The Book:

 

____________________________________________________________

 

VOICE VALIDATED. PLEASE STATE PASSWORD.

“Password, prairie dog,” said Hedge.

WARNING! PASSWORD INCORRECT. YOU HAVE TWO

MORE ATTEMPTS BEFORE YOU ARE LOCKED OUT.

YOU HAVE 120 SECONDS TO COMPLY.

Hedge looked worried. The NSA man started laughing. All

and sundry had the same thought: He’s forgotten his password.

Exp ‘thought’, THIS IS OUTSIDE THE CALCULATED

PARAMETERS. I HAVE NO IMMEDIATE ACCESS TO

THIS DATA. IT IS INSIDE THE HEAD OF HEDGE.

Hedge looked mortified, “I don’t understand. It’s definitely

a prairie animal.”

A few moments’ delay. Earth’s future hung by a thread;

hung on remembering the correct prairie animal.

“Coyote.” said Thinkbot, making use of his night-time TV

sessions.

“No,” replied Hedge.

“Badger,” offered Helen.

“No.”

Thinkbot: “Black-footed ferret.”

“Er, no. I only changed it recently. I just knew I’d forget

when I changed it. But I wasn’t really expecting to launch the

RMD.” The presidential figures on the other screens were still

leaping up and down and waving their arms. Exp cut the video

feeds.

Helen: “Bison.”

“No.”

Thinkbot: “Er, stink bug, carrion beetle, long-billed curlew,

western tiger swallowtail.”

“No, none of those.”

TIME TO LOCKOUT : 90 SECONDS.

Panic began to set in. Even Exp somehow exuded worry,

without moving a single actuator. Mr NSA looked confident.

Helen: “Prairie elephant, grass ground giraffe, land whale,

flying flatsnake, polka dotted leopard, bright green fox.”

Hedge came out of a daze and stared in disgust at Helen.

Thinkbot: “Tiger beetle, eastern cottontail, burrowing owl,

pronghorn antelope …”

“You’re making it up,” complained Helen.

“No I’m not!” retorted Thinkbot. “Anyway you can talk.

What’s the blue blazes is a prairie elephant?”

TIME TO LOCKOUT : 60 SECONDS.

Exp: “PLEASE CONCENTRATE.”

Thinkbot spoke even faster. “Northern grasshopper mouse,

meadow vole, ferruginuous hawk, prairie rattlesnake, gopher

snake, lady beetle, fox snake, killdeer, California condor …”

Helen: “Now you’re making it up!”

“No I’m not, just ’cos humans are too stupid to realise it

lived on the prairie as well!”

TIME TO LOCKOUT : 30 SECONDS.

“PLEASE CONCENTRATE.

Thinkbot started up again. “American toad, ground

squirrel, western meadowlark, common snipe, red-tailed hawk,

white-tailed jack rabbit …”

“That’s it!” yelled Hedge. “Password, white-tailed jack

rabbit.”

WARNING! PASSWORD INCORRECT. YOU HAVE ONE

MORE ATTEMPT BEFORE YOU ARE LOCKED OUT

PERMANENTLY. FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL

TERMINATE YOUR TERM IN OFFICE. YOU HAVE SEVEN

SECONDS TO COMPLY

 

10th April 2119

Globalbot Adopts INSTALL & QUOTE
Robo-Reuters: Monday 10th April 2119

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it has introduced the INSTALL & QUOTE business model into its operations. Graham Cracker, CEO of Globalbot, explained 'The traditional model of quote-PO-ship-invoice-install simply does not work in challenging market conditions - customers are not creating RFQs (request for quotation). In contrast, the INSTALL & QUOTE philosophy relies on crack teams of Globalbot service personnel, henceforth known as 'agents', performing stealth installations on customer sites leaving the customer no option but to accept a quote.' Industry analysts commented that the idea was little more than a thinly veiled 'lose-win' free robot evaluation fully funded by Globalbot.

Safe Harbor Statement: A quote, no matter how exquisite, is not a purchase order.

 

6th April 2119

 

 

'You've got it set up incorrectly' said the IT support droid, innocently.

The rest of us started scuttling away into dark corners and, for those lucky enough to have them, cubicle bunkers.

Then the tirade started . . .

'WHY'S IT ALWAYS THE USERS FAULT! WHAT YOU MEAN IS THAT IT'S SPONTANEOUSLY AND MALICIOUSLY SET ITSELF UP INCORRECTLY!.

IT'S WORKED FINE FOR YEARS THEN WITHOUT ANY INPUT FROM THE USER IT'S SUDDENLY NOT SET UP CORRECTLY - HOW CAN THAT BE THE USER'S FAULT?'

 

THINKBLOG VAULTS

 

THINKBLOG  - July 2118 - March 2119

THINKBLOG  - Jan - Jun 2118

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Dec 2117

THINKBLOG  - Jan - Jun 2117

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Dec 2116

THINKBLOG  - Jan - Jun 2116

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2115

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Sept 2115

THINKBLOG  - Apr - Jun 2115

 

THINKBLOG  - Jan - March 2115

 

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2114

 

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Sept 2114

 

THINKBLOG  - Apr - Jun 2114

 

THINKBLOG  - Jan - March 2114

 

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2113

 

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Sept 2113

 

THINKBLOG  - Apr - Jun 2113

 

THINKBLOG  - Jan - Mar 2113

 

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2112

 

THINKBLOG  - July - Sept 2112

 

THINKBLOG  - Apr - June 2112

 

THINKBLOG  - Jan - March 2112

 

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2111

 

THINKBLOG  - July - Sept 2111

 

THINKBLOG  - March - June 2111

 

ORIGINAL INDEX