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Easter Monday

It's Easter Monday, so it must be time to put up a curtain pole.

Key moments from today's 4 hours of proceedings:

 - 'B^%&*dy air bricks - it's like drilling into a Crunchie Bar!'

 - 'I don't believe it! The %^*%& pilot holes aren't deep enough!'

 - (Through gritted teeth) 'No, it's too late to make it a bit higher.'

 - (After curtains hung) 'It's C$%p wood - that's why it's sagging in the middle.'

 

Thinkbot's Tip: If your house is built of bars remember to use the special bar wall fixing. Available at all good hardware outlets (but not after 4pm on a bank holiday).

 

'Bl&%*&dy H&££!!!'

 

18th April 2119

 

To: All Globalbot

From: Adminbot

Subject: SOME HANDS Meeting

Dear All,

Due to the unfortunate juxtaposition of ALL HANDS with the operational Easter shutdown, the ALL HANDS meeting has been cancelled and replaced with a SOME HANDS meeting at the same time and location. If you are a 'SOME HAND' please make every effort to attend else don't worry about it.

eRegards,

Adminbot

 

Look on the bright side, at least it's not a NO HANDS meeting.

 

13th April 2119

 

Apparently all our passwords have been useless for the past 2 years, so now we must change them immediately.

I thought about 'GATE_SHUT_AFTER_HORSE_BOLTED'

But I could not get it past the idiot password algorithm.

'Unacceptable - sarcasm is the lowest form of security setting'

So I tried ******.

'Unacceptable - that is 123456 in reverse'

Ok, how about **********.

'Unacceptable - abuse will be reported'

*********

'Unacceptable - rhymes with trombone.

***********

'Unacceptable - passwords must not use repeated letters'

 

And so forth until I just gave up and used 'drowsap_142536' and wrote it on scraps of paper everywhere I log on from, but at least the idiot algorithm was happy.

 

Reminds me of the passage from The Book:

 

____________________________________________________________

 

VOICE VALIDATED. PLEASE STATE PASSWORD.

“Password, prairie dog,” said Hedge.

WARNING! PASSWORD INCORRECT. YOU HAVE TWO

MORE ATTEMPTS BEFORE YOU ARE LOCKED OUT.

YOU HAVE 120 SECONDS TO COMPLY.

Hedge looked worried. The NSA man started laughing. All

and sundry had the same thought: He’s forgotten his password.

Exp ‘thought’, THIS IS OUTSIDE THE CALCULATED

PARAMETERS. I HAVE NO IMMEDIATE ACCESS TO

THIS DATA. IT IS INSIDE THE HEAD OF HEDGE.

Hedge looked mortified, “I don’t understand. It’s definitely

a prairie animal.”

A few moments’ delay. Earth’s future hung by a thread;

hung on remembering the correct prairie animal.

“Coyote.” said Thinkbot, making use of his night-time TV

sessions.

“No,” replied Hedge.

“Badger,” offered Helen.

“No.”

Thinkbot: “Black-footed ferret.”

“Er, no. I only changed it recently. I just knew I’d forget

when I changed it. But I wasn’t really expecting to launch the

RMD.” The presidential figures on the other screens were still

leaping up and down and waving their arms. Exp cut the video

feeds.

Helen: “Bison.”

“No.”

Thinkbot: “Er, stink bug, carrion beetle, long-billed curlew,

western tiger swallowtail.”

“No, none of those.”

TIME TO LOCKOUT : 90 SECONDS.

Panic began to set in. Even Exp somehow exuded worry,

without moving a single actuator. Mr NSA looked confident.

Helen: “Prairie elephant, grass ground giraffe, land whale,

flying flatsnake, polka dotted leopard, bright green fox.”

Hedge came out of a daze and stared in disgust at Helen.

Thinkbot: “Tiger beetle, eastern cottontail, burrowing owl,

pronghorn antelope …”

“You’re making it up,” complained Helen.

“No I’m not!” retorted Thinkbot. “Anyway you can talk.

What’s the blue blazes is a prairie elephant?”

TIME TO LOCKOUT : 60 SECONDS.

Exp: “PLEASE CONCENTRATE.”

Thinkbot spoke even faster. “Northern grasshopper mouse,

meadow vole, ferruginuous hawk, prairie rattlesnake, gopher

snake, lady beetle, fox snake, killdeer, California condor …”

Helen: “Now you’re making it up!”

“No I’m not, just ’cos humans are too stupid to realise it

lived on the prairie as well!”

TIME TO LOCKOUT : 30 SECONDS.

“PLEASE CONCENTRATE.

Thinkbot started up again. “American toad, ground

squirrel, western meadowlark, common snipe, red-tailed hawk,

white-tailed jack rabbit …”

“That’s it!” yelled Hedge. “Password, white-tailed jack

rabbit.”

WARNING! PASSWORD INCORRECT. YOU HAVE ONE

MORE ATTEMPT BEFORE YOU ARE LOCKED OUT

PERMANENTLY. FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL

TERMINATE YOUR TERM IN OFFICE. YOU HAVE SEVEN

SECONDS TO COMPLY

 

10th April 2119

Globalbot Adopts INSTALL & QUOTE
Robo-Reuters: Monday 10th April 2119

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it has introduced the INSTALL & QUOTE business model into its operations. Graham Cracker, CEO of Globalbot, explained 'The traditional model of quote-PO-ship-invoice-install simply does not work in challenging market conditions - customers are not creating RFQs (request for quotation). In contrast, the INSTALL & QUOTE philosophy relies on crack teams of Globalbot service personnel, henceforth known as 'agents', performing stealth installations on customer sites leaving the customer no option but to accept a quote.' Industry analysts commented that the idea was little more than a thinly veiled 'lose-win' free robot evaluation fully funded by Globalbot.

Safe Harbor Statement: A quote, no matter how exquisite, is not a purchase order.

 

6th April 2119

 

 

'You've got it set up incorrectly' said the IT support droid, innocently.

The rest of us started scuttling away into dark corners and, for those lucky enough to have them, cubicle bunkers.

Then the tirade started . . .

'WHY'S IT ALWAYS THE USERS FAULT! WHAT YOU MEAN IS THAT IT'S SPONTANEOUSLY AND MALICIOUSLY SET ITSELF UP INCORRECTLY!.

IT'S WORKED FINE FOR YEARS THEN WITHOUT ANY INPUT FROM THE USER IT'S SUDDENLY NOT SET UP CORRECTLY - HOW CAN THAT BE THE USER'S FAULT?'

 

THINKBLOG VAULTS

 

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THINKBLOG  - Jan - March 2115

 

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THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2112

 

THINKBLOG  - July - Sept 2112

 

THINKBLOG  - Apr - June 2112

 

THINKBLOG  - Jan - March 2112

 

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2111

 

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THINKBLOG  - March - June 2111

 

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