Original Index




24th May 2121


Further to the 20 May post,  I've been told I need to warn you of the dangers of working with raw holes in piece-part form not associated with an engineering part.



And, further to the 22 May post, in an effort to increase the volume of good news, Globalbot is pleased to announce a new staff benefit - free robot foot manicures.


22nd May 2121


For reasons I won't go into, I ended up in Church today.

It said 'All Welcome!' but being a robot I did get some odd looks.

Anyway the text was 'How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news.'

The preacher asked 'What are we to make of this?'

No one answered, so I tentatively raised my end effector.

The preacher looked gob-smacked, 'Er, yes, the robot  . . . '

'TV news readers must have very ugly feet?'


It didn't go terribly well after that, and GAT later gave me stern a lecture on 'rhetorical questions'.

I must go by there and see if they've taken down the 'All Welcome' sign.


20th May 2121

Empty                        With 6 holes


TNET 867759802 - ESCALATION!

Customer: Dimwitbots Inc.

Globalbot Product: Multi-Doughnut BakebotTM

Serial:  TH6476864

Problem: Upgrade Kit Missing 6 Holes

Status: Unexpected Continuity in Holy Areas


Parts in upgrade kit missing 6 holes. Please ship 6 holes ASAP. Robot down escalation.


'You'd better put them in a ziplock bag otherwise they're sure to get lost.'


19th May 2121


For the 10,000,00th time Tracey Eylund cursed her thoughtless parents, then whoever had decreed her 5 ex-boyfriends would be called Scott, Virgil, John, Gordon and Alan.  All of them a waste of space, especially in hindsight.  And then to cap it all she'd landed what she thought was her dream job as a material controller working for Daisy Chane at Globalbot . . .


13th May 2121

GAT needs a replacement bulb.

'Hello sir, did you bring the failed bulb?'

'Er, no.'

'Ok, never mind, please follow our simple bulb identifier.'

First select the bulb type

'Er, um.'

Next, select the fitting

'Oh bugger!'

Select the appropriate brightness taking account of bulb technology power consumption


Finally verify the Hectolumen rating against the LUX level at 10% 50% and 90% Wattage


If unsure, check the scotopic/photopic ratio on the chart below


Congratulations! You may take you light bulb to the checkout


1st May 2121


GAT discovered a recently delivered part had been ordered 1.5 years ago.

The official explanation was: A BUG IN

The unofficial (therefore correct) explanation was that the part had bolts with a special coating only available from Transylvanian monks working under a full moon.

GAT was wise to this, 'Oh no, not the old Transylvanian full moon monks excuse!'


29th April 2121


'Err, um, I've only got, err a few, err, slides and not much time. Err, err, um so the DIRT Operations are, err, err, um, well, I'd better hurry up and, err, the next slide well I won't dwell on it, but err, err, um, the laser pointer's died.'

Fumbling and curses.

'Ah, that's better. I'd better move along, and, err, the backbone upgrade, err err well I haven't got time to, err err, um, let's go to slide 6 and see what the funnels look like, but err err, we'd better leave some um err time for the um, err, err, boxers.'



24th April 2121


Globalbot Implements Whack A MoleTM Business Software
Robo-Reuters: Monday 24th April 2121

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Globalot.Corp. (CASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it has implemented Whack A MoleTM software to manage its key business functions. 'We're delighted with this outcome,' commented CEO Graham Cracker, 'Whack a mole is the perfect foil to Oribal ERP and can be applied to MRP, Purchasing, Slot Planning, Spares, as well as non-Oribal functions such as Customer Support, HR and even Engineering.' Industry analysts were unimpressed observing 'What do you do if your business systems don't fit together very well? - Implement an over-arching system based on hitting things frantically with a mallet.'


'HR?' exclaimed GAT, 'I'm not going anywhere near them without a helmet.'


19th April 2121

To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Adminbot

Subject: Inexplicable Office Image Error

Globalbot would like to apologize for the inappropriate 'After' office image displayed in the 14th April entry.

This was due to an inexplicable Pyschosoft Project Management bug that has now been patented.

The image that should have been shown was, of course, as below






'This still doesn't look right! Is that our office? Really?'


14th April 2121


                      Before                                           After


'Before and after what?' asked GAT.


7th April 2121

Globalbot Shoots Wrong Supplier
Robo-Reuters: Monday 7th April 2121

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Globalot.Corp. (CASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it has shot the wrong supplier. 'We offer an unreserved apology,' groveled Graham Cracker Globalbot CEO, 'We dual source key components and in one unfortunate case where we had a good and a bad supplier, we shot the good one.' Industry experts were not surprised commenting that 'all suppliers are there to be shot so why not get on with it.' 


5th April 2121


 Globalbot Implements Cloud Computing.

'I can't see my screen!' yelled GAT through the office fog.

Tropical rain forest baboon-like sounds swirled eerily through the mist from somewhere close by.

'Who's that?'

GAT made a lunge to grab the culprit and ended up grappling with an office plant.

'Blast this cloud nonsense! Give me transparent lack of visibility any day.'


4th April 2121


            The Mind Map                                              The Wiring                                               The Blessing


'Everyone's in a mess, so Globalbot Organization is state of the art' said the business consultant.

The various Globalbot VPs wrestled with their emotions.

Was it good news or bad?

Should they laugh or cry?

Several hedged their bets and did both.

Others fell to the floor and experienced 'The Globalbot Blessing'


1st April 2121

Conference call time!


'Someone needs to mute their phone mute their phone phone mute their pho pho pho -'


'We can't mute our phone, we're talking.'




'Who was that?'

'Dunno, but I think we can hear him but he can't hear us.'



'Can can anyanyonewun hearear me me?'


'You sound like you're in a cave.'

'I I amam in a conconferfererernce ro ro room letlet me me tryiyiyiyi muoooomutin-tin-tin myiyi phonoe-oon'

[Silence] [Sighs of relief]

'Shall we try and make a start?'

The host has left the conference call.

The call is now ended. Thank you for choosing WEBOT. Goodbye.


26th March 2121


23rd March 2121


18th March 2121


'But there is no square 120, it stops at 100.'

'Customer want to go to square 120 or customer refuse to sign off robot and send robot back to Globalbot.'

'Yes I know that, but there is no square 120 to go to.'

'Customer demand Globalbot make special ladder to get to square 120.'

(Give me strength) 'But there's no square 120 for a special ladder to go to.'

'Thank you for agreeing to develop special ladder. Customer demand delivery next week.'

(Must change tactic) 'What square are we contracted to deliver?'

(Silence, then  . . . . ) 'Square 87, but cannot get square 87 as always end up on square 57. So customer demand square 120 as compensation.'

 'But square 87 is a snake! Why did we sign up to square 87?'

'Globalbot factory agreed to supply non-slip snake.'

[Continued Forever]


17th March 2121


Three identical robots went into a pub.

The first robot said, 'There's only 2 of us on the build slot plan so one of us is an MRP error.'

'It's not me' said the other two robots in unison.

'It's a shame' reflected the, er, first, but it might have been the second robot, 'we're the only copy exact robots Globalbot has ever succeeded in manufacturing.'

'But I wouldn't bet against Globalbot really needing all 3 of us.' said the 3rd/1st/2nd robot.

'In which case one of us might be a shortage.'

'I'm not a shortage' said the other two robots in unison.

One of the robots, god only knows which one, turned to the bar 'Three shots of perfluorinated coolant and a bowl of consumable spares please.'

'Certainly sirs, and may I say how splendidly similar you look this evening!' crooned the Barbot.

'Flattery will get you everywhere' the 3 robots intoned together.

'My my, and all on the same fatally flawed software release as well, this IS impressive.'


11th March 2121


To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Adminbot

Subject: Promotion

I am pleased to inform you that Daisy Chane has been promoted to Inter-Stellar Supply Chain Manager. Daisy will be looking to strengthen our supply base as soon as SETI detects intelligent life elsewhere in the cosmos and the human race develops faster-than-light space travel. Please join me in congratulating Daisy and support her on this hopeless quest.



'It's an oxymoron. An alien life form can only be designated "intelligent" if they opt not to be a Globalbot supplier.'

'And how does faster-than-light delivery square with 16 week lead time?'

'According to Einstein the sun will have expanded and swallowed the Earth!'

'You'd be better off starting the "delivery time exceeds age of universe" Trouble-NET now if I were you.'


7th March 2121



BOING! The inflatable sheep landed right on top of GAT's head.

GAT punched it away, his face a frozen grimace.


When he'd been offered a ticket to Cardiff's game at Bristol City by a work colleague he'd gracefully accepted.


'It's in the lively part of the ground' the colleague warned with a wide grin.

'I'll be alright' said GAT.

And then, for the fiftieth time, 'GOD SAVE OUR GRACIOUS KING! LONG LIVE OUR NOBLE KING!'


Two hours later, after a smash 'n grab Cardiff 2-0 win a deafened & exhausted GAT, a shadow of his normal self, staggered out of Ashton Gate. He'd survived! A flush of  elation overtook him as he staggered towards the bus stop where a small boy was ranting at his father, 'BL^&DY WELSH I 'ATES 'EM! CAN I 'AVE CIDER TONIGHT DAD?'


3rd March 2121


To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Adminbot

Subject: Warm Savoury Snakes

 Are available at my desk, please help yourself.




'God bless the spell checker! Miss out the 'c' and it does the rest for you.'


2nd March 2121


'Hello! You are through to AnyCarWe'llBuyIt! How can we help?'

'I'd like to sell my car.'

'Perfect! Let's just take a few details and that offer from AnyCarWe'llBuyIt! will be on its way! On a scale of 1-10, where 1 is bad and 10 is good, what condition is your car in?'

'Er, um, one.'

'Sorry, I did not quite catch that.'


'Right, we just need to establish how bad it is before that offer from AnyCarWe'llBuyIt! will be on its way!

Is it rusty?'


'Okay, what percentage of rust is it?'


'Sorry, 100% is not a valid answer, please try again.'


'Right. Are there parts of the body work holed with rust.'

'Er, what do you think?'

'Sorry, that is an invalid answer. But since you ask I think you are a Muppet.'


'I am sorry to inform you that AnyCarWe'llBuyIt! will not be making an offer on your vehicle. Please hang up and don't try again. In the event you wish to complain then please call 0979 53757576. Calls are charged at 45million Globo per second. Goodbye!'



Thinkbot cut the speakerphone and took the 10 Globo note from GAT.

'Told you! They should be called AlmostAnyCarWe'llBuyIt.'


28th February 2121



Dear T, P & E,

I'm trying to think of something but I don't know what.





Dear W-t-P,

Oh dear! Oh my! You must have stuffing brain syndrome.





Dear W-t-P,

Sorry to hear your news. There is no cure.





Dear W-t-P, P & E

Let me think for you! Thinking is what Tiggers' do best.

What did you want to think about?



PS Don't worry about the cure - I'll sort that out - cures for incurable syndromes are what Tiggers' do best.

(to be cont.)


These messages are brought to you by Literary People Stereotypes Inc.

There's no one we can't classify in simplistic terms


19th February 2121



To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Adminbot

Subject: Missing Robot

The site Giganticobot is missing, please notify an Adminbot sub-droid if you locate it.




'I've got Adminbot email overload syndrome,' sighed GAT. 'Why can't the Adminbot go missing and give us all a rest?'

'And how can Globalbot possibly lose a 20-storey high robot that lights itself up at night?'

 I tried to recast things from a more positive angle, '"Achieving the Impossible" was the latest Corporate moto - looks like we green light that one okay in the Q1 KPIs.'


16th February 2121

To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Adminbot

Subject: Globalbot Robots of the Year 2120

Please join me in congratulating:




All the above will be eligible for the 'Name that Upgrade' programme to extend their useful life beyond their current Planned Product obsolescence date.




12th February 2121


To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Adminbot

Subject: W8845-123-1AX Retirement

Please be aware that sadly, after an incredible 4.73x1015 oscillations of service to Globalbot, W8845-123-1AX has decided to retire. Please join me in thanking W8845-123-1AX (DOS format 640KB format only no images) and in wishing it well for its future powered down gathering dust in deep storage awaiting a WEEE disposal slot. During its time with the company W8845-123-1AX has undergone 5,034 operating system upgrades and received 452 hardware replacement parts. W8845-123-1AX has spent the last 8 years composing a retirement note which was passed to me on a 51/4" floppy; Bristol University Department of digital archeology have kindly deciphered this, see below.





6th February 2121


To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Adminbot

Subject: New Employee Benefit

In an effort to up the productivity of feeble flesh-based employees Globalbot is to offer free Robomassages.

Robomassages will be available in several types:

1. Basic Robomassage. (Fully clothed)

2. Email-sensitive chair-mounted 'SpockTM' shoulder relaxer with in-built electric-shock de-slumberer.

3. Ego Robomassage (Management only; clothed and unclothed options available)




3rd February 2121

       #Ovenbot1              #Ovenbot2            #Ovenbot3            #Ovenbot4            #Ovenbot5


TNET 867738802

Customer: SpongeBot Round Cakes

Globalbot Product: BakeBot ReliaRiseTM

Serial:  BB0056576

Problem: Ovenbot #4 not rise

Status: Unexpected deflation in the cake process


Aaaaargh HELP HELP all Ovenbots now matched ok BUT ALL BAD. Customer attack Globalbot Office armed with cake forks.


1st February 2121

          #Ovenbot1                    #Ovenbot2                    #Ovenbot3                        #Ovenbot4                   #Ovenbot5


TNET 867738802

Customer: SpongeBot Round Cakes

Globalbot Product: BakeBot ReliaRiseTM

Serial:  BB0056576

Problem: Ovenbot #4 not rise

Status: Unexpected deflation in the cake process


After swapping almost every component between bad OvenBot4 and good OvenBot3 cake still not rise we swap serial number plate and bad cake result follow serial number. So cake process sensitive to serial number. Please urgently send good cake factory-tested serial number plate. Customer say to Globalbot 'You idiots! How can the cake be sensitive to the serial number!' Factory please send 8D root cause report to explain. When customer told this he throw 2 good cakes at us and told us to eat the bad cake else he would  submit Customer Complaint and give us all 0 in all categories of next customer satisfaction survey. Bad cake shipped back to factory AWB647400-002 for analysis.


19th January 2121


The latest batch of fresh-faced spring-footed graduates at Globalbot make me feel old . . .  

GAT was talking with one bouncing up and down excitedly at lunch. 'How are you getting on?'

Graduate: 'I hardly understand a thing about what people are saying.'

To which GAT helpfully replied, 'Nobody around here understands what they're saying, after a while they just learn to say it with conviction.'

Other gems from his inspirational one liners to graduates include:

'Don't worry it'll be 6 months before you understand anything.'

'Don't worry it'll be 6 years before you understand anything.'

'I've been here 25 years and still don't know what I'm doing most days.'

'That's a great Gantt chart you've done! Really excellent. The best part is I'll be long-retired before we reach the end.'


19th January 2121

It started as a dull rumble which quickly ramped up until everything was shaking and objects began falling off the furniture.

'What's happening?' I asked.

GAT was hanging onto his favourite mug, 'I think Oribal is throwing a wobbly.'

Sure enough an urgent mail popped from the Oribal Adminbot:



To: All

From: Adminbot ERPBot

Subject: Oribal Tremors

!  Please be aware that we are currently experiencing Oribal tremors up to 6.5 on the ERP Scale due to unforeseen consequences with adjusting MRP to reflect the latest Globalbot manufacturing slot plan. Stores has been evacuated and Incident Control Teams deployed in the Materials Control area. Please keep calm and remain at your workstations and listen for further announcements.

I tried logging into Oribal


GAT was yelling at me over the din, 'Don't try and login you idiot! You might trigger a meltdown in the supply chain leading to total global civilization collapse!'

'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! It's going critical! It's creating a works order singularity. Get out! GE-'


14th January 2121


Granny is in hospital and GAT and I visited her.

Granny: 'Hello, I've had a lovely day!'

'Have you? What did you do?'

'I've been watching the Scottish Country Dancing!'

'Er, um . . . '

'I do love watching those young ones twirling and leaping!'

'I, er, um, that's great, er. . . '


Later GAT said to me, 'If I have delusions later in life I can only pray to god it's not of Scottish Country Dancing.'

'What would you like to delude about?'

'How about Cardiff winning the FA Cup?'

'But you wouldn't believe that even in a delusion.'


All in all, who's to say the Country Dancing in Ward 31 isn't real and the rest of us are suffering a temporary collective mass delusion that we're sane?

Hold on Thinkbot, you're thinking too much again, just relax and enjoy Frank Sinatra.


9th January 2121


To: Globalbot UK

From: Globalbot Taiwan

Subject: Customer [NAME REDACTED] Visit

We confirm 10 personnel from [NAME REDACTED] will visit Globalbot UK as discussed.


'Watch out! Cat herding alert!'


To: Globalbot Taiwan

From: Globalbot TUK

Subject: Re: Customer [NAME REDACTED] Visit

Please advise what [NAME REDACTED] will want to see.


For example - the Robot Test Area, the Spares Operation, maybe audit the Quality Dept.


To: Globalbot UK

From: Globalbot Taiwan

Subject: RE[2]: Customer [NAME REDACTED] Visit

We confirm Customer [NAME REDACTED] wants to see:

1. The Tower of London

2. Anfield

3. The Leaning Tower of Pisa


6th January 2121


Before                                    After

Globalbot Despatches Mouse to Negotiate with Elephant
Robo-Reuters: Monday 6th January 2121

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Globalot.Corp. (CASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it has sent a mouse to negotiate with an elephant. The mouse and elephant, neither of whom can be named for legal reasons, are scheduled to meet in Taiwan later this week. Graham Cracker, CEO of Globalbot, commented 'We're delighted that the elephant has agreed to meet with our mouse and are confident of a successful outcome.' Industry experts were bewildered, 'Don't they realize the mouse will just get squashed?'


4th January 2121

It's edgy . . . back at Globalbot after the Xmas break. No one wants to break the delicate equilibrium of calm that's settled on the usual turbulent formless chaos. Who will ping the first email? Who will discover the first shortage of the New Year? And who'll be brave enough to open up the Asian inbox on TroubleNet?

Aaargh! The equilibrium breaks! Gird your loins and flail your light sabre around - it's only 87 days 'til the end of Q1!







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