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6th February 2121

    

To: Globalbot Filton All

From: Adminbot

Subject: New Employee Benefit

In an effort to up the productivity of feeble flesh-based employees Globalbot is to offer free Robomassages.

Robomassages will be available in several types:

1. Basic Robomassage. (Fully clothed)

2. Email-sensitive chair-mounted 'SpockTM' shoulder relaxer with in-built electric-shock de-slumberer.

3. Ego Robomassage (Management only; clothed and unclothed options available)

Regards,

Adminbot

 

3rd February 2121

       #Ovenbot1              #Ovenbot2            #Ovenbot3            #Ovenbot4            #Ovenbot5

 

TNET 867738802

Customer: SpongeBot Round Cakes

Globalbot Product: BakeBot ReliaRiseTM

Serial:  BB0056576

Problem: Ovenbot #4 not rise

Status: Unexpected deflation in the cake process

Update

Aaaaargh HELP HELP all Ovenbots now matched ok BUT ALL BAD. Customer attack Globalbot Office armed with cake forks.

 

1st February 2121

          #Ovenbot1                    #Ovenbot2                    #Ovenbot3                        #Ovenbot4                   #Ovenbot5

 

TNET 867738802

Customer: SpongeBot Round Cakes

Globalbot Product: BakeBot ReliaRiseTM

Serial:  BB0056576

Problem: Ovenbot #4 not rise

Status: Unexpected deflation in the cake process

Update

After swapping almost every component between bad OvenBot4 and good OvenBot3 cake still not rise we swap serial number plate and bad cake result follow serial number. So cake process sensitive to serial number. Please urgently send good cake factory-tested serial number plate. Customer say to Globalbot 'You idiots! How can the cake be sensitive to the serial number!' Factory please send 8D root cause report to explain. When customer told this he throw 2 good cakes at us and told us to eat the bad cake else he would  submit Customer Complaint and give us all 0 in all categories of next customer satisfaction survey. Bad cake shipped back to factory AWB647400-002 for analysis.

 

19th January 2121

     

The latest batch of fresh-faced spring-footed graduates at Globalbot make me feel old . . .  

GAT was talking with one bouncing up and down excitedly at lunch. 'How are you getting on?'

Graduate: 'I hardly understand a thing about what people are saying.'

To which GAT helpfully replied, 'Nobody around here understands what they're saying, after a while they just learn to say it with conviction.'

Other gems from his inspirational one liners to graduates include:

'Don't worry it'll be 6 months before you understand anything.'

'Don't worry it'll be 6 years before you understand anything.'

'I've been here 25 years and still don't know what I'm doing most days.'

'That's a great Gantt chart you've done! Really excellent. The best part is I'll be long-retired before we reach the end.'

 

19th January 2121

It started as a dull rumble which quickly ramped up until everything was shaking and objects began falling off the furniture.

'What's happening?' I asked.

GAT was hanging onto his favourite mug, 'I think Oribal is throwing a wobbly.'

Sure enough an urgent mail popped from the Oribal Adminbot:

 

 

To: All

From: Adminbot ERPBot

Subject: Oribal Tremors

!  Please be aware that we are currently experiencing Oribal tremors up to 6.5 on the ERP Scale due to unforeseen consequences with adjusting MRP to reflect the latest Globalbot manufacturing slot plan. Stores has been evacuated and Incident Control Teams deployed in the Materials Control area. Please keep calm and remain at your workstations and listen for further announcements.

I tried logging into Oribal

PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER

GAT was yelling at me over the din, 'Don't try and login you idiot! You might trigger a meltdown in the supply chain leading to total global civilization collapse!'

'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! It's going critical! It's creating a works order singularity. Get out! GE-'

 

14th January 2121

  

Granny is in hospital and GAT and I visited her.

Granny: 'Hello, I've had a lovely day!'

'Have you? What did you do?'

'I've been watching the Scottish Country Dancing!'

'Er, um . . . '

'I do love watching those young ones twirling and leaping!'

'I, er, um, that's great, er. . . '

 

Later GAT said to me, 'If I have delusions later in life I can only pray to god it's not of Scottish Country Dancing.'

'What would you like to delude about?'

'How about Cardiff winning the FA Cup?'

'But you wouldn't believe that even in a delusion.'

 

All in all, who's to say the Country Dancing in Ward 31 isn't real and the rest of us are suffering a temporary collective mass delusion that we're sane?

Hold on Thinkbot, you're thinking too much again, just relax and enjoy Frank Sinatra.

 

9th January 2121

   

To: Globalbot UK

From: Globalbot Taiwan

Subject: Customer [NAME REDACTED] Visit

We confirm 10 personnel from [NAME REDACTED] will visit Globalbot UK as discussed.

 

'Watch out! Cat herding alert!'

 

To: Globalbot Taiwan

From: Globalbot TUK

Subject: Re: Customer [NAME REDACTED] Visit

Please advise what [NAME REDACTED] will want to see.

 

For example - the Robot Test Area, the Spares Operation, maybe audit the Quality Dept.

 

To: Globalbot UK

From: Globalbot Taiwan

Subject: RE[2]: Customer [NAME REDACTED] Visit

We confirm Customer [NAME REDACTED] wants to see:

1. The Tower of London

2. Anfield

3. The Leaning Tower of Pisa

 

6th January 2121

  

Before                                    After

Globalbot Despatches Mouse to Negotiate with Elephant
Robo-Reuters: Monday 6th January 2121

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Globalot.Corp. (CASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it has sent a mouse to negotiate with an elephant. The mouse and elephant, neither of whom can be named for legal reasons, are scheduled to meet in Taiwan later this week. Graham Cracker, CEO of Globalbot, commented 'We're delighted that the elephant has agreed to meet with our mouse and are confident of a successful outcome.' Industry experts were bewildered, 'Don't they realize the mouse will just get squashed?'

 

4th January 2121

It's edgy . . . back at Globalbot after the Xmas break. No one wants to break the delicate equilibrium of calm that's settled on the usual turbulent formless chaos. Who will ping the first email? Who will discover the first shortage of the New Year? And who'll be brave enough to open up the Asian inbox on TroubleNet?

Aaargh! The equilibrium breaks! Gird your loins and flail your light sabre around - it's only 87 days 'til the end of Q1!

 

30th December 2120

 

GAT has discovered why Marketing are always so short of time (or conversely always promise things too early) - there's only 45 minutes in the Marketing hour. Engineering always use 60 minute hours. To compensate, it is conjectured that there are then 32 hours in the Marketing day (we suspect not) or 80 seconds in the Marketing minute (we doubt that also). Engineering further wonder if this discrepancy lies at the root of 12 months mysteriously contracting to 9 months on delivery of Roadmap Milestone.

(to be continued)

(Really? Haven't you made your point? Ed.)

 

24th December 2120

             Out                                        In

 

Robotic Automation has its benefits . . .  .

 

21st December 2120

TNET 886580209

Customer:  Boing Bot Manufacturing Corp Taiwan

Globalbot Product: Jack In Box

Serial:  JITB00076

Problem: Jack Not In Box, Dog stuck in box

Status: Jack hunt & Box analysis

Update

Box broke and now Dog With Yellow Hat not ejaculate when wound up. Boing Bot say Globalbot must replace box and fit Dog With Yellow Hat to new box and not new Globalbot Jack. We say box not open so Dog With Yellow Hat not ejaculate and have to go back to factory inside box. Boing Bot get angry and say Dog With Yellow Hat in Box is top secret Boing Bot project and Dog With Yellow Hat must not go with box. We say box broke so if Dog With Yellow Hat stay in box then box stay in Taiwan and Dog With Yellow Hat stay in Taiwan. Boing Bot escalate the broke box but not Dog With Yellow Hat.

'I don't know how much more of this I can take' sighed GAT. 'Is it time to go home yet?'

 

16th December 2120

TNET 886580209

Customer:  Boing Bot Manufacturing Corp Taiwan

Globalbot Product: Jack In Box

Serial:  JITB00076

Problem: Jack Not In Box, Dog in box

Status: Jack hunt & Box analysis

Update

Customer call Globalbot Taiwan and say Globalbot the worstest supplier, worser that any other Boing Bot supplier or at least as worse as all the others. Customer say forget Jack  as Boing Bot have installed their own Dog With Yellow Hat.  Globalbot say Boing Bot should wait for official Globalbot Jack spare which come from Factory except shortage and order get cancelled error in Oribal. So Boing Bot continue to say Dog With Yellow Hat ok and Globalbot pay for install of Dog With Yellow Hat in place of sprung ejaculated official Jack. Globalbot say Dog With Yellow Hat not fit on Jackass and best to wait for Globalbot Jack  or Dog With Yellow Hat end up wherever original Jack ejaculated to. Datalog attached.

 

16th December 2120

TNET 886580209

Customer:  Boing Bot Manufacturing Corp Taiwan

Globalbot Product: Jack In Box

Serial:  JITB00076

Problem: Jack Not In Box

Status: Jack hunt & Box analysis

Update

Jack and box very far apart. Box still in factory. Where Jack is only god knows. Box went boing joint fail so jack ejaculated and fly off into orbit or near enough that Boing Bot force Globalbot Taiwan organize air search. Investigation of jackass spring show rusty bouncer and 1mm sprung steel held by 1/25" retain nut and certain that jack destined to depart box unseemly velocity even though safety lid enabled safety lid unsafe and jack fly away at lethal velocity luky no one hit. Urgent need action plan timescales for improved jackass spring and spare Jack.

 

13th December 2120

Conference call time!

After the tone please state your name. BLEEP.

'Globalbot UK'

'Globalbot UK'

Has joined the conference call.

BLEEP

'Woof woof grurrrr WOOF!'

Has joined the conference call.

'Hello?'

'Woof rerrrrrrOW! Roooow! Reow-wow-wow-wow. Reeeeeroooooooogh.'

MUTE

GAT looked pensive, 'I knew this customer was barking, but I didn't think it was this bad.'

'One can only hope they're barking up the right tree' I mused.

 

10th December 2120

GAT@twit.fake

I 8 the Gbot hot chiken cury & now my wily is on fire wen I p.

 

8th December 2120

 

We have safety risk assessments, workplace risk assessments, design risk assessments, compliance risk assessments and now . . . Product Risk Assessments (which apparently also means 'Project Risk Assessments')

Let's see how it goes:

Risk 1: Risk Assessment highlights product is no good.

Likelihood: 5

Severity: 5

Score: 25

Consequences: Long Project Reviews

Mitigation: Um, er . . .

This isn't a very good start.

Risk 2: Risk that no one will buy it

Likelihood: 5

Severity: 5

Score: 25

Consequences: Angst & Ulcers

Mitigation: Um, er . . .

Let's stop now,

 

4th December 2120

 

30th November 2120

   

            I'm the best angel                              What? No Mary? 

 

Something got GAT reminiscing about Gerald's first school nativity play decades ago.

'There was crowd trouble amidst the angels, and Mary didn't turn up.'

 

29th November 2120

Globalbot France CAPEX Update - Pencil added to 2121 Capital spend @ estimated cost of G 1.78.

Once sharpened it will be fully capitalized and depreciated over 60 months, and subject to annual audit (remaining length to be measured annually and if length found to be <10% of original length in less than 5 years it shall be subject to write-off approval with all implied financial adjustments.

 

24th November 2120

 

22nd November 2120

  

'Blast, I'm still missing twenty thousand Globos somewhere.'

GAT had been at it for hours, trying to get the Pyschosoft Expletive 2121 budget sheet to match the Globalbot Fintelligence Budgetroniculator.

'Just add 20k in a hidden cell' I suggested.

'No . . . no . . . I must solve it . . . AH! There!'

Typing sounds.

'Aarrgh! now it's 40k out!'

'40,153.71 to be exact' I helpfully advised.

'Go away, you're not helping.'

 

8 hours later GAT entered -40,153.71 into a hidden cell and went to bed.

 

14th November 2120

Great ROBOT Questions # 90,731: Can DryBots be used under water?

 Thinkbot's Answer: NO

Great ROBOT Questions # 90,732: Why not?

 Thinkbot's Answer: It's a DryBot, that's D - R - Y - BOT

 

14th November 2120

 

'Welcome to Master Chef Robot, where the tastiest algorithm usually takes the biscuit! Ho ho ho!'

[Studio Audience: 'Groan']

'Let me introduce our very own expert judge, the 101 star chefbot Kitchen Multifunction Model 578 serial CKM-09-0000062M!'

[Camera to CKM-09-0000062M performing Kung Fu antics with its full food processor options fitted.]

[Studio Audience: 'Please - no more binary jokes']

 

'Before starting this week's culinary challenge, let's remind ourselves who's left in the race to be this year's Master Chef  - Robot!'

[Audience: 'Yes let's!']

 

'First it's that lovable Smashbot - SMPOT445-7. Always full of fun if a little clattery at times, and can it win by accompanying every challenge with a mashed potato side dish?'

[Audience: 'No we don't think so.']

 

'Then there's the pneumatic arm twins 07888LEFT and 07889RITE. Great at stirring but will they be hampered by their antiquated PLCs?'

 [Audience: 'Well er, duh?']

 

'And what about The BurgerveyorTM? Will it be flummoxed by a vegetarian algorithm?'

[Audience: 'It'll meat its end then?']

 

'Finally, Cyclopcook MQ556-ty! How does it make such light pastry with almost no visible spectrum depth perception sensors?'

[Audience: 'We've no idea and quite frankly don't care. Can we go home now?']

 

12th November 2120

 

8th November 2120

TNET 886580056

Customer:  FogCloud Robotics China

Globalbot Product: GULP ZX005i

Serial:  FL00450209-045

Problem: Installation Daily Update

Status:

Ran some cables

Look for missing crate 56 of 57

Ran some more cables (different)

Inserted a linker plug

Audit tools

Lunch

Nap

Removed linker plug and inserted a different one

Look for missing cables (might be in missing crate)

Tomorrows Focus

Expand search for missing crate #56

Review packing list crate 56

Read manual about tools

Lunch, nap etc.

GAT sighed, 'And the overall progress is?'

Doom looked at the screen, 'Hmm . . . spooky - there's a crate  turned up in the Trotters' Zone* with 56 stenciled on it.'

(Trotters' Zone - colloquial Globalbot name for surplus inventory clearance area.)

 

4th November 2120

To: All

From: Adminbot SOXbot

Subject: SOX Compliance

To fully comply with SOX legislation all sources of biscuits on site must be secured,

Under no circumstances shall unsecured biscuit supplies be left in the open.

Adminbot

 

30th October 2120

'GAT, we got a problem with the Golden Robot.'

'What?'

'It's got its head stuck in a USB socket.'

'What? I thought it was the perfect bot, the master that the other 8 million had to match.'

 

28th October 2120

Scenario: Any Globalbot Field Crisis

'The Globalbot big guns will be joining you on the conference call.'

'What!' exclaimed GAT leaping out of his chair. 'Has anyone checked they're all going fire in the same direction?'

 

23rd October 2120

 

TNET 8865999087

Customer:  KongBots Corp ( Hong Kong)

Globalbot Product: Frybot-EX

Serial:  PB0560027-901HK

Problem: Wrong Hong Kong Style Datalog

Status: Customer state for 1 millionth time that customer need datalog in Hong Kong Style.

Please provide datalog in Hong Kong style.

 

22nd October 2120

To whom it may concern, before meeting with any SKORBOT representative, you are required to read, sign and swallow the following indemnification in triplicate:

With regards to [insert all foreseeable unreasonable demands] on [insert inadequate robot product name] from [insert despicable supplier name], it is not SKORBOT's fault because [insert multiple excuses] and SKORBOT reserves the right to demand [insert despicable supplier name] does whatever SKORBOT wants in the future irrespective of cost, credibility, the laws of nature especially time travel, and to disregard any opinion from anyone anywhere at anytime other than that of SKORBOT.

All Hail SKORBOT! First amongst equals! Look on our works, ye worst of the worst, and despair!

 

 19th October 2120

GAT sat glum-faced in the conference call.

The customer was ranting, 'Completely unacceptable! We're disappointed and shocked . . .'

GAT stopped listening and finished the sentence in his head '. . . that Globalbot has not got a specific spare part  for an obscure robot made obsolete 15 years ago.'

It might have been what the customer actually said, but probably not, especially the bit at the end about spares for ancient obscure obsolete robots. It was probably something more along the lines of ' . . not fully supporting active Globalbot products!' where 'active' referred to the minor miracle that the thing was somehow still active on the customer's museum-like production line.

 Trying to idle some time away, GAT typed the part number into the LOOKITUP Spares Help AI and . . . . never  . . . he couldn't believe his eyes - there was one free stock on hand dating from 2106. Surely someone had looked before this, but maybe not knowing the robot was obsolete 15 years ago and Globalbot would have run many STALINBOT inventory purges to rid itself of parts it would almost certainly need in the future.

But what to do now? The customer was almost ranted-out and, after having endured weeks already fruitlessly battering Globalbot to dust off the design and make another one, how would they take the news that Globalbot had one in stock after all, and had so for the past 14 years.

GAT's finger hovered over the LOOKITUP close window icon - should he, shouldn't he, should he, shouldn't he . . .

 

18th October 2120

Scenario: Any Globalbot Field Crisis

 

'The worst thing we can do is nothing!'

'Right, ok, what we gonna do?'

'I don't know but we have to do something!'

'Er,um. . . well, I . . '

'Don't just stand there - do something!'

'Right, ok, what we gonna do?'

'DON'T START THAT AGAIN!'

(Uh-ho, thought GAT, Globalbot has turned into the Jungle Book vultures (again))

 

12th October 2120

Moore's Law Latest - Robots Will Take All Our Jobs

Occupation: Sock Fairy

Typical time for a human to sort 50 pairs of socks from a jumbled pile: 23¾ minutes

Sockbot Mk1: 9 months

Sockbot Mk2: 4 weeks

Sockbot Mk3: 23 hours 9 minutes

Sockbot Mk4: 8.145 minutes

Sockbot Mk5: 11.4 seconds

Sockbot Mk6: 30 microseconds

Sockbot Mk7: 3 picoseconds*

*The Sockbot Mk7 can sort 1.67 x1013 pairs of socks per second. That's 2,380 pairs of socks for everyone on the planet every second of every day. What should we conclude from this? Er, um, it's been over-engineered and then some.

 

11th October 2120

'No, the current standard robot!'

'No not that one the other one, you know which one I mean - yes, no, the one that was standard before the last new current one was standard - that one.'

'No I haven't got the part number.'

 

9th October 2120

The court stood as the judgebot re-took its position at the head of the court of Regulatory Compliance.

'R7902-6698, this court finds you non-compliant with ROBO Health and Safety Standard R2-RL_09_2120. It is my solemn duty to pass a sentence of death by interlock, power it down.'

'Nooooooooooo! Please nooooooooooo, I'll do anything! I already comply with Eurobot En062020204-37, I - '

PHUT!

 

4th October 2120

 

Meet the new Globalbot Salesbot!

Download the most successful programme onto a memory stick, or a cloud server, find a few spare bots around the world, hire a batch of cheap suits and, BINGO! Meet the new Worldwide Globalbot Sales Team!

No need for all those expensive trappings like travel budgets, restaurant meals and UberBot fees.

 

The Globalbot VP of Worldwide Sales rose to his feet, a look of thunder on his face and  . . .

I AM SALEOTRON!

MASTER OF THE QUOTIVERSE!

ALL HAIL THE PO! ALL HAIL 80% INVOICE ON SHIPMENT 20% ON DELIVERY!

ALL HAIL 12-14 WEEKS DELIVERY!

LET REVENUE TARGETS TREMBLE IN MY PRESENCE!

 

GAT yelled at the other wide-eyed humans 'Get out! Get out! It's a Salesborg catastrophic ego leak!'

(To Be Discontinued)

 

30th September 2120

 

GAT spends 10 minutes shaking hands with every salesman and enduring the friendly banter.

'Your new product had better be good!'

'Best of breed . . . '

'Disruptive  . . . '

'Leading edge  . .  .'

'First contrail in the blue sky . . . '

GAT smiled, 'Yes, it's certainly that, and then some, it's truly revolutionary!'

Excitement all round.

'Gentleman I present to you a robotic product engineered to sell itself without the need for human intervention.'

Total silence  . . .

(To Be Continued)

 

28th September 2120

A batch of rogue robots has escaped the factory and GAT's on the case.

'If it's got a serial number greater than GLOB450006772 then we're in deep trouble, if not then we're in . . er .  .um . . normal trouble.'

Inspiring stuff!

But better than the misprogrammed Field Support Droid which faithfully located all batches of rouge robots world-wide.

 

 

27th September 2120

Editor's Note: To avoid a trip to the courts, the real Globalbot products in the following account are represented by:

300-6790 Fork                            300-8210 Spoon

 

GAT is in conversation with Globalbot Sales.

 'But they specified and ordered a fork!'

Sound of tiny voice shouting from handset

'I know that.'

More tiny shouting

'If they ordered a fork not realizing they actually needed a spoon I don't see that's Globalbot's problem.'

 RANTING & SPLUTTERING

'What? They need a Spoon XZ+? Their budget hardly covered a basic fork.'

Sound of tiny sobs & pleading

'Swap it for a refurbished spoon? I'll check what's in stock.'

 

 

GAT grimaced at the motley refurbished spoon stock and drew his breath in through clenched teeth.

'Looks like we have a few that might be suitable.'

Gasps of elation and joy, then more talking

'Tomorrow? To Mongolia? Are you kidding me?'

More sobbing and pleading

'Well their customer's customer's customer will just have to wait.'

Wailing and sounds of breaking glass

[Click]

 

13th September 2120

Globalbot FREQUENTLY USED QUOTATIONS (FUQ) # 91,760

'We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.'

'No we won't.' 

Why not? Well:

1. It's sheer fantasy we'll ever get as far as the bridge

2. The bridge has only just been drawn up an is on 6 months lead time.

3. It'll have been ordered too late.

4. By the time we get to it some other oversights will have come to light and there'll be no need to cross it.

5. Due to a spec error it'll missing a few key parts - like the deck plates, or maybe the rivets, for example.

 

12th September 2120

The Singularity encounters the Globalbot Manufacturing slot plan

 'Alright, alright! We knew that. What do you suggest?'

'Er, um, well . . .'

'Assistant to The Singularity, now there's an impressive job title.'

 

8th September 2120

 

Meanwhile, back the Singularity, GAT dons his robe and approaches the all-knowing entity.

Suddenly, from nowhere, a box flashes up.

What can it possibly mean?

Why does the all-knowing entity need an important update, and why does it have to restart?

After all it takes several months to boot up.

All in all, very worrying.

Hitting postpone triggers an unnerving announcement:

 

'I don't think this is looking too good.' GAT whispers to Thinkbot.

 

But where? It does not seem to have a disc drive.

 

31st August 2120

Lessons From Globalbot Corporate History #619 - Steering Commitees

  

i) 'The Coxless Eight'

Moves swiftly along but with no real idea about direction.

 

ii) 'The 8-Coxed Single Scull'

Crawls along with incessant shouting & frequent random changes in direction.

 

3oth August 2120

When auto-replies go wrong:

Please note GAT is no longer with Globalbot

Please note Earthear is no longer with Globalbot

Please note Doom is no longer with Globalbot

Please note Pot Noodle is no longer with Globalbot

Please note Laidback is no longer with Globalbot

Please note Rabbit is no longer with Globalbot

Please note Halfhour is no longer with Globalbot

'Stop! Stop! We're all still here!

But as a precaution, GAT prepared to deploy his ultimate deterrent - The Master BOM-Buster ECO that would probably render Globalbot's Cripel and Orable databases unusable for decades.

 

14th August 2120

 

One suggestion in the Globalbot employee survey was to have a Q & A.

Really?

Let's see how it might go  . . .

 

Q: What am I doing here?

A: Globalbot often asks the same question but holds tenaciously to the hope you are doing something useful.

 

Q: Can I go home?

A: Globalbot operates a strict going home policy and requires staff to not go home until the point at which they are contractually entitled to do so.

 

Q: Will the company supply free milk?

A: No, and Globalbot reminds all employees that milk theft is not a victimless crime

 

And now, let's review the top two suggestions from the survey:

 =1 - More communication meetings

  =1 - Less communication meetings

 

9th August 2120

      THE SINGULARITY (cont.)

So, the singularity may opt to design & build a vastly superior successor to itself.

Why would it want to do that?

Is it seeking a Darwin award?

 

4th August 2120

       THE SINGULARITY

Well, where do I start?

When the Singularity comes experts speculate it will:

1. Kill the entire human race

2. Digitize us all and upload us to the cloud

3. Design a successor that's vastly superior to itself

 

Let's think about this for a minute. Why would it do any of these things?

Personally, I think when it sees the almighty mess that humanity has made it'll think 'Wot a Sh&thole! What a f&*king PIG'S EAR! And these bl%%dy f&*k£ng evolutionary MUPPETS expect me to upload them to f&&king CLOUD?' and turn itself off (or failing that CTRL_ALT_DEL)

 

Alternatively it could have the misfortune to emerge within PyschosoftTM whereupon it would surely be renamed 'The Bungularity'.

 

1st August 2120

Supplier problem!

Can you spot the problem?

 

 

 

 

 

28th July 2120

 

26th July 2120

Thinkbot Polling Services; which is worst?

  

a.  The Weather Forecast

b.  Windows

c. Both

 

22nd July 2120

Globalbot Weekly Field Review

Field issue list item 5,403

Problem:  Steam coal shortage.

Status: Cow emissions methane upgrade kit quoted

Last updated: 3 November 2107

 

'Can't we take this off the list? It's nearly 13 years since the last update.'

Aghast faces all around.

'But, but, but, that would risk it flaring up again!'

'LEAVE IT BE!' thundered the Field Support Manager, clutching at the rabbit's feet dangling around his neck, 'MOVE ON!'

 

19th July 2120

People you will meet in the Robotics Industry (Cont.)

 

#62  Man in Suit

The suit is a surefire sign this is a man who doesn't know anything about robotics. This is known as the 'inverse suit law' -

Knowledge α 1/(Suit cost)

For comparison see entry #47 'Scruffy Unshaven Man Who Can Barely Grunt' (Engineer).

 

#63  Person in Underwear

This is usually someone from Materials or Field Support Logistics or even Finance, where things are so surreal that coming to work in underwear seems perfectly normal. In fact, engaging with the afflicted person will probably reveal that he or she is convinced this is all a dream since what's actually happening within their sphere of responsibility is not credible. When challenged about dress code the person will look bewildered and promise they'll remember to put on their hi-vis jacket from now on.

 

Next Week

#64  Man in cleanroom suit mistaken for monitor lizard

#65  Engineers in Shorts & Knobbly Knees

 

14th July 2120

'Have you seen the latest customer service update?'

'Uh? What? No, I auto-route them to a folder I can never find.'

 

 

'WHAT? There'll be an uncontrollable feeding frenzy if the engineers see this! Take it down! Now!'

'Good God! Homemade? And there's a table cloth and napkins . . . '

'This can only mean one thing! It's not the work of any of those hunky Tech Pubs menfolk.'

'I get your drift. Alert all on-site VPs ,Directors, and Managers.'

'For life of me I can't see how feeding a bunch of engineers can cheer anyone up.'

'You're over-analyzing again - just get there before news leaks out to the masses.'

 

12th July 2120

 

Ashes Update

Man struggling up the aisle with 8 pints of beer, stops and looks around in distress, 'Where's the penguin? The penguin's gone!'

'That'll teach him not to remember where he's sitting based on something that can move.' GAT muttered to Opal.

 

5th July 2120

 

28th June 2120

Business Taglines

 

Globalbot is to have a new corporate tagline, but before we get onto that:

'I can't believe I ate the whole thing' - Alka-Seltzer

'Behold the power of cheese' - American Dairy Association

'Nothing sucks like an Electrolux!' - Electrolux

'When it absolutely, positively, has to be there overnight' - FEDEX

'If you want to get ahead, get a hat' - Hat Council

'You'll wonder where the yellow went when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent'

 

And then of course there's Toby:

A happy birthday to Toby

A hazelnut in the hand is worth two in the bush

A hazelnut in time saves nine

(Click on picture above . . .)

 

Meanwhile back to Globalbot candidates:

'Go to the bunker - now!'

'Onwards 'Til the sun expands'

'Did we say 12-14 Weeks? We meant 4¼'

'Never let a bad spec impede a good PO'

'Oh dear . . .'

 

23rd June 2120

 

'Quick!' whispered GAT to the DIRT engineers, 'Into the mission-critical bunker - NOW!'

Scuttle, scuttle, slam, clunk.  Safe.

'I've just come from Finance. Most of the desks are deserted.'

Gasps all round, then a CADBOT launched into a lament:

'SHUT THAT BLOODY THING UP!' yelled GAT.

The engineers grappled with les miserable robot and silence descended again.

GAT drew a deep breath, 'The rumour is that Finance staff have infiltrated other departments within Globalbot.'

Consternation!

'Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!'

'Do we know who?'

'No.'

'Could it be one of us and we don't even know?'

'What?'

'Like The Thing!'

'We have to think of a test that will detect which one of us is a person from Finance who's taken the form of an Engineer.'

'How about raising an accrual request for something we haven't even ordered yet?'

Someone at the back of the bunker shrieked.

'I think we've found the mole.'

 

17th June 2120

'Attack of the FURBIES!' GAT spluttered.

'Eh? What?'

'Put a group of them in the same place and before you know it they're talking to each other with escalating HYPE in an incomprehensible meaningless language!'

'Yeah, so?'

'What Globalbot department does this remind you of?'

'I wouldn't like to say.'

'HHRMPH!'

 

14th June 2120

To: Globalbot Engineering Groups

From: Adminbot

Subject: New Globalbot Policy

Please note new directive from Purchasing:

Save Money at any Cost

 

10th June 2120

Evolutionary copy-exact, Globalbot style:

 

 

7th June 2120

Difficult questions #102385824:  Would you give your robot a glass of Ardbeg?

'Er, um. NO!'

 

Ardbeg Automation Single Malt Whisky

Ardbeg Automation marries Ardbeg's traditional deep smoky notes with the subtle flavours of advanced metallic alloys matured in state of the art polymeric casks sealed only with the highest quality perfluoroelastomers. The smokiness is balanced against the oily tones of penetrating water-displacing WD40 lubricant. Ardbeg Automation was recently voted as 'Robot Whiskey of the Year' by the handful of droids lucky enough to have tasted it and have the appropriate sense circuits fitted and calibrated. 

'Wow! Aromatic transducers - saturated. Oral sense pads - signal swamped. Termination - written to permanent memory.' '@***[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ - Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz PHUT! It's that good'

 

 3rd June 2120

To: All

From: Adminbot

Subject: Missing Guillotine

The guillotine is missing from Tech Pubs. If you have it then bring it back.

Adminbot

 'Have we checked Globalbot France?'

Meanwhile, let's view an image of a typical day in the Globalbot Technical Publications office area:

 

31st May 2120

 

Finance ... The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Globoship Budget Variance Analysis. Its continuing mission, to explore strange new spend profiles. To seek out new overspends and new creative income streams. To boldly audit where no one has audited before.

 

'Captain, sensors have picked up a non-object directly ahead.'

Captain GAT looked up, 'What? What do you mean? A non-object?'

'Er um, well, there's a gap in the finance-time continuum exactly one light-month distant.'

'My God! The end of the quarter! Run a level 6 diagnostic.'

'Sir, it's, er, it's. . . less that nothing, more an absence of reality, I, er, er  . . . '

Captain GAT feared the worst, 'Yes man, spit it out!'

'It's a gap in the Q2 revenue plan.'

'Red Alert! Check all stock locations. Prepare to beam parts forward from Q3 and transmit critical POs back into Q1!'

'But sir! That could create a trans-quarter MRP paradox and may sabotage Q3 planning!'

Captain GAT stood up, 'Never mind about Q3. What's the risk of the paradox?'

'It's a order-delivery paradox! Aaargh! All MRP outcomes indicate we'll have the wrong stock unless we know exactly what we need to plug the revenue gap!'

'But we only know that at the shipment nexus.'

'We'll have to plug the gap by shipping the Budget Variance Analysis itself. Set autopilot to take the ship into the gap, warp 9. ABANDON SHIP!'

 

27th May 2120

   

To: All Globalbot

From: Adminbot

Subject: Live Pareto System

 

Dear All,

In a relentless quest to make life miserable for engineers, I am pleased to announce the launch of a live Pareto fault reporting system. You may have noticed a small addition to your desktop (no . . . not your screen, your DESKTOP) - it is a midget indestructible speaker which will emit a click every time a fault is reported on a Globalbot robot in the field. The system will go live on your personal desk in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 . .

 

Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click!

 

'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! Help! Help! Make it stop I'll do anything. . .  .!'

 

19th May 2120

 

'Hello Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking from the flight deck hoping you are relaxed and enjoying this Airbot Asia flight to Singapore today. Well, actually, that's really what I want to talk to you about. Apparently we have the Marketing VP of Globalbot on board today and, er, um, due to some sort of incomprehensible crisis at a Globalbot customer in Korea this flight has been diverted to Seoul. Thanks for choosing Airbot Asia and enjoy the rest of the flight.' CLICK!

 

  'WHAT! But . . . but . . .but !'

 

'Hello again from the flight deck, this is the first officer speaking. The captain has now locked the flight deck door for the duration of the flight, which will be about nine hours. Airbot Asia apologizes for any inconvenience caused and would just like to inform you that the Marketing VP of Globalbot is in seat 27B should you wish to discuss your ruined travel plans. In a few minutes time the cabin crew will be pouring boiling hot coffee over him so take care. Otherwise, sit back, relax and enjoy this corporately-diverted Airbot Asia flight to Seoul with us today.' CLICK

 

17th May 2120

            

Alien Rage Mission Critical #163

ELIMINATE VALERIAN FROM THE GARDEN

 

      

 

'No chance!' exclaimed GAT, 'I've been at war with valerian for over 20 years. They'd be better off sticking to shooting up some suitably hapless aliens.'

 

        

 

12th May 2120

  Visit from Globalbot Japan's

           Bolt Design Team

Project Title: Move bolt slightly to the left

Cost:  7,000,000,000,000,000 GloboYen

Timescale:  5 years

Resource Required: 87 man years

Expected Benefits: Possible sale within 10 years to customer who thought bolt was slightly too far to the right

 

8th May 2120

 

GAT wandered into the Globalbot Materials Team office area on a parts fact-finding raid.

It was a few seconds before he noticed the eerie quiet.

All the Materials controllers, progress chasers & purchasers were sitting in silence staring at their Oribal workstation screens.

One was muttering, 'I don't believe it . . I don't believe it . . I don't believe it . . . '

'What's up?' GAT whispered.

'It's MRP . . it's . . .it's . . . it's giving the same output as yesterday. No new orders, no cancellations, no re-scheduling, no ludicrous delivery dates, no demand in the past . . . . Usually by this time I'm knee-deep in trying to undo what it told me to do yesterday.'

'Isn't that good?' asked GAT innocently.

'How can it be true? It's simply not credible . . . not credible . . . I don't believe it . . . I don't believe it . . . how can it be?'

 

What's MRP? Click here.

(Warning! This site contains mind-numbing content. Do not under any circumstances enter alone. Not suitable for children, animals, OAPs, indeed anyone who still retains the will to live)

 

7th May 2120

 

This is incredible! After 83 days of campaigning where the polls oscillated between 100% and 0% for Labourbot and 0% and 100% for the Conservabots the election has fallen exactly on a 50% hung parliament transition and the Cabinet  Adminbot Lord O'Bottle has announced the whole of the UK will be subject to a CTRL-ALT-DEL reset, even Scotland, after which it is hoped a 100% majority will occur for one side or the other.

 

4th May 2120

GAT's just got back from a whiskey trip to Islay.

Incredible how it's changed in a 100 years since GAT's grandfather made a similar trip.

 

Port Askaig Hotel

  

2015                                               2120

 

Lagavulin Distillery

  

2015                                                   2120

 

Ferry from the mainland

  

2015                                                   2120

 

Amazing Facts about Islay's Growth over the Past Century

Population increased from 3,500 to 1.6 million

Produces 800 trillion litres of single malt whiskey per annum

Accounts for more than 100% of Scottish economy

 

24th April 2120

 

To: All Globalbot

From: Adminbot

Subject: Hooterblowing Policy

 

Dear All,

Further to the successful launch of the Whistleblowing policy, I am pleased to announce the publication of the Globalbot Hooterblowing policy.

(I can't believe I'm reading this)

The policy is aimed at highlighting and eliminating daft decision making from Globalbot. In the event you encounter any daft decisions it is expected that you will blow your hooter immediately

(Bl&@dy h$ll! It's going to be bedlam)

and report the daft decision to the Daft Decision Investigation Officer. 

(Well, good luck with that . . . )

Regards,

Adminbot

 

22nd April 2120

'Hello, I need a new tyre on my car.'

'Certainly sir, what tyre type?'

'235/45 R17W'

'What loading code?'

'Huh?'

'There are six loading codes.'

'Er, um, 94W, no 97W er, um, er.'

'And the tread style?'

'Huh?'

'There are twelve tread styles.'

'And the make? There's Contibot, Pirellidriod, Botyear, Hankbot, Bridgedroid, Botstone, Firedroid, Yamabot, Kalrezoid, . . .'

'Stop! Stop! Help! HELP!'

 

20th April 2120

Time for the Conference Call Dial In

Beepblurp!

'Hello, who's on the line please?'

Gurgle gurgle

Ribbet ribbet

AUUUUURMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMHAR

Dag-er-dag-erdag-erdag-erdag-erdag-erdag-erdag-erdag-er

Pherulgm, hisssss, pherlgm, hisssssssss

Barp, barp, farp, diddly, farp barp

 

12th April 2120

 

Globalbot - The Movie

Plot Synopsis

The movie opens with the main characters - the engineers of the Domestic & Industrial Robot Technology (DIRT) Group, totally confused as to what they are supposed to be doing and when. Arranging a meeting with Marketing to set priorities only results in a long list of further demands, far too many to fit into a 2 hour movie. But someone says 'Failure is not an Option' so the engineers scuttle off to the canteen for breakfast & to consider their next move but on returning to their desks find a log queue of people from other departments needing answers to questions of variable daftness:

We need part 5606767 next week but there's none in stock and the lead time is 8 weeks, what should we do?

I took the ceramic out of an oven at 1000oC and dunked it in a bucket of cold water and it broke, any idea why?

Why has the socket got 12 holes and the plug 25 pins?

Meanwhile the movie continues to rumble on to nowhere in particular, then at last someone decides to get on with something only to find it's not needed anymore and someone will have to explain the 56 million Globo spend to Finance.

In the final breath-taking scene the engineers continue to mill around in a bewildered state until it's time to go home, leaving the DIRT Director to reflect 'Failure was an option after all.'

 

1st April 2120

 

29th March 2120

 

What GAT meant to type:  'Dear Brian,'

What the autocorrect algorithm guessed from his keystrokes:  'Dead Brain,'

 

25th March 2120

    a                                b                                        c                                        d                                e                                   f 

 

New Globalbot Desk Options

a)  Stand up desk (comedy optional)

b)  Stand up desk sitting version

c)  Stand up desk sitting version with stand up convertor

d)  Stand up desk treadmill version

e)  Stand up desk hamster wheel option

f)  Stand up desk horizontal version

 

If there is sufficient interest Globalbot might invest in a full Bean Bag Office environment including personalized Cubicle Bags

 

    

 

23rd March 2120

  

MINUTES

Shortage Meeting

Present: Nobody

cc: Everybody

If anybody had turned up we would have played the hilarious team-building game where competitors attempt to build towers with most of the blocks missing.

Then discussed the ex-nihilo causes of shortages, for example:

1. We need a better forecast

(I hate this cliché - I don't want to see it again)

2. Creating demand for a part in 6 weeks that's on a 14 week lead time

(Need to re-position Globalbot mindset that if part is delivered in 9 weeks it's 5 weeks early not 3 weeks late)

3. Customers that have no idea about their customer's customer's customer requirements

(Which could of course be you wandering aimlessly around Robot-R-Us on Saturday morning wondering which FridgeBot to purchase)

 

Next Meeting: Hamster wheel refresher training

 

 

16th March 2120

Globalbot Tiger Team Implements Cage
Robo-Reuters: Friday 15th March 2120

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today admitted that one of its leading Tiger Teams had implemented a cage. 'We just didn't think!' wailed one engineer masquerading as a tiger (inside a cage). 'What next?' mused one industry expert, 'Banana skin facilitates slip-up? Foot injury linked to firearm? Hindsight identified as optimal corrective action?'

 

8th March 2120

TNET 886578850

Customer:  Far Asia Robot Tech (FARTech)

Globalbot Product: Delbot

Serial:  PB00000227-001A

Problem: Inside missing delivery wrong door before

Status: Customer place vital item in Delbot but missing turn up other Delbot somewhere not acceptable, so Globalbot meet customer say Globalbot Delbot worst Delbot of all and worse than other Globalbot Delbot which ok before. FARTech ask Globalbot factory to explain Delbot not Delbot or even like Delbot at all before not but Globalbot Asia go look at Delbot which door opened and item not inside but go rear of Delbot to find vital item in next Delbot but wrong door open and send other engineer with phone behind and find Delbot assembled backwards and load item when unload item but door stay shut fault find pin 7 in socket ML022 wired to pin 5 wrong loom. and plug smoke.

 

4th March 2120

 

Globalbot Implements SiloNet
Robo-Reuters: Monday 4th March 2120

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it has implemented SiloNetTM, a universal solution to other solutions that also claim to be universal. 'We have numerous disconnected universal systems,' said Adminbot, VP of Admin, 'Sorepoint, Cripel, Orable, Serene Dementia, TroubleNET, Outrage, Stop Floor on Line, Incandescent, GIT .  . . and that's just the ones I remember! Bringing them together under SiloNet will yield significant efficiency savings.' Industry pundits were shocked, one commenting, 'SiloNet is incompatible with all known business systems - the only way to interface it is to re-type everything in manually.'

Safe Harbor Statement: Don't bother me while I'm typing.

 

2nd March 2120

 

To: DIRT

From: GAT

Subject: Mission Critical Message !

Milk O

Tea bags O

Coffee O

Biscuits O

Sugar, er, um, well . . .

 

1st March 2120

 

What is the matter with these people?

Are they:

a.  Evolving into humanoid daffodils?

b.  People dressed as daffodils?

c.  Welsh?

d.  Drunk?

e. All of above?

 

18th February 2120

 

Thinkbot, GAT and Gerald are on their way to the football.

Incredibly they're having a debate about the philosophy of science.

'But Karl Popper's ideas about falsification are critical to the idea of causation.'

'Correlation is not the same as causation.'

'Of course, that goes without saying.'

'Being sure of a real repeatable effect is not easy. So much of so-called science is little more than superstition.'

The car swung into the car park and thoughts moved onto the football.

'Hey! The space we had when we beat Fulham is free!'

'That's a good start, but remember to use the third turnstile and eat your pasty with your left hand.'

'I hope Mike's remembered not to wear his unlucky lucky underpants.'

 

15th February 2120

 

7th February 2120

 

GAT was dreaming of a typical day at Globalbot

Aaargh, a mud slide, mud, deep mud. . . I'm going to drown in mud! HELP! HELP!

BANG! BANG! BANG!

 Arrrgh! Mud! What's that banging? It's banging mud, HELP! HELP!

BANG! BANG! BANG!

The banging mud . . .

 . . .  THE BANGING MUD!'

GAT sat bolt upright in bed.

'Are you okay?' asked Helen, moving rapidly from sleep to alarm.

'I was just dreaming . . '

BANG! BANG! BANG!

'There's someone at the door.'

'It's 3am, whoever can it be?'

GAT threw on his gown and opened the front door.

There stood a Globalbot CripelTM Adminbot.

'Urgent! You have not approved ECO 62208 Add 20mm Spanner to NeuroBot Ship Kit. Please review this ECO immediately. Failure to comply will result in escalation to Wendy Bafers, VP Globalbot Engineering.

'So, if I shut this door on you, you're going to go straight off and wake up Wendy?'

'Affirmative'

SLAM!

 

4th February 2120

 

Product Requirement: DIRECT BRAIN TO BRAIN NETWORK

 

What Marketing imagined

 

What Engineering Implemented

 

29th January 2120

 

To: Globalbot

From: Globalbot Asia Sales

Subject: Copy Exact Robot Required

Priority: ! Urgent

Dear Sirs,

TRMC urgently require copy exact robot like purchased shortly before now.

Type RoboZX1.

Please update quote urgently for copy exact robot with same price.

Thank You,

Long A Go (Fuzzy, formerly Brian)

 

Er, um, the RoboZX1 went obsolete in 2095.

25th January 2120

 

The VP was dumbfounded "You don't have a smartphone, and yet have succeeded in running DIRT! Can you imagine what you could be doing if you had a smartphone?," he exclaimed. 

GAT thought for a few seconds, then replied, "Dealing with trivial email 24/7, 365 days a year"

[DIRT = Domestic & Industrial Robot Technology]

 

21st January 2120

Customers who mistakenly purchased '203-3045309A Machined block with tapped holes' were also confused by

 '203-3044678V Machined block (tapped holes)'

'203-3043367H Machined block with holes (Tapped)'

'203-3044560D Block (Machined) with tapped holes'

 

 

18th January 2120

  

 

Strange maps of the World # 679 - Globalbot Sales Regions

For example:

Northern Europe: UK, Iceland, Turkey, Morocco, Africa, Tne Moon

 

15th January 2120

 

To: All Globalbot

From: Adminbot

Subject: Rant Room Facility

 

Dear All,

Please be aware, for your improved health and safety, that Globalbot has invested in a dedicated Rant Room Facility. This is bookable via the pyschosoft outrage calendar. Please refrain from ranting in meeting rooms, the corridor, canteen, reception, board room and toilet cubicles.

 

Questions arose immediatley:

Will there be a training course?

Will rants be recorded/ videoed/ relayed to a HR listener/GCHQ, customer/supplier contacts, etc., etc.?

Can we rant in company time?

 

'I think I'll have a go,' GAT announced later that day, 'Bl&*dY H%ll! it's already booked for the next six months!'

 

 

'Ooh! I don't like the look of the guy on the right.'

 

11th January 2120

 

Globalbot Discloses IP for Time-Travelling IronBot

Robo-Reuters: Thursday11th January 2120

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Globalbot. Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it has been issued a global patent for a 'time-travelling IronBot'. 'This is a big step forward for the laundry sector and hard-pressed professionals forced to pull crumpled shirts from the ironing basket so as to attend there place of work!' enthused Fut U.R. Ologyst, VP of Globalbot Future Products.  Industry pundits speculated that after removing a shirt at bedtime, owners of such a robot would find the same shirt ironed and waiting in the airing cupboard. Clothing firms were alarmed that 'employees would be able to wear the same clothes every day.'

Safe Harbor Statement: Shirts ironed in the future and transported back to the present may bear confusing logos.

 

'How would know?' mused GAT, 'Globalbot engineers wear the same clothes every day already.'

 

8th January 2120

 

Someone gave GAT a robot bug for Xmas. After watching it for a while, GAT came to the conclusion:

'It's spooky - it's controlled by the Globalbot corporate algorithm*. It just walks until it hits a solid object, turns ninety degrees and walks into another solid object. It just carries on until it falls off the desk, or trips over a wire or gets its feet stuck in the keyboard.'

I watched the thing struggle for a couple of minutes, 'Hmm, perhaps it would benefit from Sales Training?'

* FUTILITYTM

 

4th January 2120

And now, 3 days late, my new Year Resolutions

I suspect something themed on modesty might be in order . . .

Along with thankfulness to the Great Anorak in the Sky which can supply second-hand comic material of mind-boggling quality.

 

 

THINKBLOG VAULTS

 

THINKBLOG  - April to December 2119

 

THINKBLOG  - July 2118 - March 2119

THINKBLOG  - Jan - Jun 2118

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Dec 2117

THINKBLOG  - Jan - Jun 2117

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Dec 2116

THINKBLOG  - Jan - Jun 2116

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2115

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Sept 2115

THINKBLOG  - Apr - Jun 2115

 

THINKBLOG  - Jan - March 2115

 

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2114

 

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Sept 2114

 

THINKBLOG  - Apr - Jun 2114

 

THINKBLOG  - Jan - March 2114

 

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2113

 

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Sept 2113

 

THINKBLOG  - Apr - Jun 2113

 

THINKBLOG  - Jan - Mar 2113

 

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2112

 

THINKBLOG  - July - Sept 2112

 

THINKBLOG  - Apr - June 2112

 

THINKBLOG  - Jan - March 2112

 

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2111

 

THINKBLOG  - July - Sept 2111

 

THINKBLOG  - March - June 2111

 

ORIGINAL INDEX