WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF THINKBOT
24th November 2120
22nd November 2120
'Blast, I'm still missing twenty thousand Globos somewhere.'
GAT had been at it for hours, trying to get the Pyschosoft Expletive 2121 budget sheet to match the Globalbot Fintelligence Budgetroniculator.
'Just add 20k in a hidden cell' I suggested.
'No . . . no . . . I must solve it . . . AH! There!'
'Aarrgh! now it's 40k out!'
'40,153.71 to be exact' I helpfully advised.
'Go away, you're not helping.'
8 hours later GAT entered -40,153.71 into a hidden cell and went to bed.
14th November 2120
Great ROBOT Questions # 90,731: Can DryBots be used under water?
Thinkbot's Answer: NO
Great ROBOT Questions # 90,732: Why not?
Thinkbot's Answer: It's a DryBot, that's D - R - Y - BOT
14th November 2120
'Welcome to Master Chef Robot, where the tastiest algorithm usually takes the biscuit! Ho ho ho!'
[Studio Audience: 'Groan']
'Let me introduce our very own expert judge, the 101 star chefbot Kitchen Multifunction Model 578 serial CKM-09-0000062M!'
[Camera to CKM-09-0000062M performing Kung Fu antics with its full food processor options fitted.]
[Studio Audience: 'Please - no more binary jokes']
'Before starting this week's culinary challenge, let's remind ourselves who's left in the race to be this year's Master Chef - Robot!'
[Audience: 'Yes let's!']
'First it's that lovable Smashbot - SMPOT445-7. Always full of fun if a little clattery at times, and can it win by accompanying every challenge with a mashed potato side dish?'
[Audience: 'No we don't think so.']
'Then there's the pneumatic arm twins 07888LEFT and 07889RITE. Great at stirring but will they be hampered by their antiquated PLCs?'
[Audience: 'Well er, duh?']
'And what about The BurgerveyorTM? Will it be flummoxed by a vegetarian algorithm?'
[Audience: 'It'll meat its end then?']
'Finally, Cyclopcook MQ556-ty! How does it make such light pastry with almost no visible spectrum depth perception sensors?'
[Audience: 'We've no idea and quite frankly don't care. Can we go home now?']
12th November 2120
8th November 2120
Customer: FogCloud Robotics China
Globalbot Product: GULP ZX005i
Problem: Installation Daily Update
Ran some cables
Look for missing crate 56 of 57
Ran some more cables (different)
Inserted a linker plug
Removed linker plug and inserted a different one
Look for missing cables (might be in missing crate)
Expand search for missing crate #56
Review packing list crate 56
Read manual about tools
Lunch, nap etc.
GAT sighed, 'And the overall progress is?'
Doom looked at the screen, 'Hmm . . . spooky - there's a crate turned up in the Trotters' Zone* with 56 stenciled on it.'
(Trotters' Zone - colloquial Globalbot name for surplus inventory clearance area.)
4th November 2120
From: Adminbot SOXbot
Subject: SOX Compliance
To fully comply with SOX legislation all sources of biscuits on site must be secured,
Under no circumstances shall unsecured biscuit supplies be left in the open.
30th October 2120
'GAT, we got a problem with the Golden Robot.'
'It's got its head stuck in a USB socket.'
'What? I thought it was the perfect bot, the master that the other 8 million had to match.'
28th October 2120
Scenario: Any Globalbot Field Crisis
'The Globalbot big guns will be joining you on the conference call.'
'What!' exclaimed GAT leaping out of his chair. 'Has anyone checked they're all going fire in the same direction?'
23rd October 2120
Customer: KongBots Corp ( Hong Kong)
Globalbot Product: Frybot-EX
Problem: Wrong Hong Kong Style Datalog
Status: Customer state for 1 millionth time that customer need datalog in Hong Kong Style.
Please provide datalog in Hong Kong style.
22nd October 2120
To whom it may concern, before meeting with any SKORBOT representative, you are required to read, sign and swallow the following indemnification in triplicate:
With regards to [insert all foreseeable unreasonable demands] on [insert inadequate robot product name] from [insert despicable supplier name], it is not SKORBOT's fault because [insert multiple excuses] and SKORBOT reserves the right to demand [insert despicable supplier name] does whatever SKORBOT wants in the future irrespective of cost, credibility, the laws of nature especially time travel, and to disregard any opinion from anyone anywhere at anytime other than that of SKORBOT.
All Hail SKORBOT! First amongst equals! Look on our works, ye worst of the worst, and despair!
19th October 2120
GAT sat glum-faced in the conference call.
The customer was ranting, 'Completely unacceptable! We're disappointed and shocked . . .'
GAT stopped listening and finished the sentence in his head '. . . that Globalbot has not got a specific spare part for an obscure robot made obsolete 15 years ago.'
It might have been what the customer actually said, but probably not, especially the bit at the end about spares for ancient obscure obsolete robots. It was probably something more along the lines of ' . . not fully supporting active Globalbot products!' where 'active' referred to the minor miracle that the thing was somehow still active on the customer's museum-like production line.
Trying to idle some time away, GAT typed the part number into the LOOKITUP Spares Help AI and . . . . never . . . he couldn't believe his eyes - there was one free stock on hand dating from 2106. Surely someone had looked before this, but maybe not knowing the robot was obsolete 15 years ago and Globalbot would have run many STALINBOT inventory purges to rid itself of parts it would almost certainly need in the future.
But what to do now? The customer was almost ranted-out and, after having endured weeks already fruitlessly battering Globalbot to dust off the design and make another one, how would they take the news that Globalbot had one in stock after all, and had so for the past 14 years.
GAT's finger hovered over the LOOKITUP close window icon - should he, shouldn't he, should he, shouldn't he . . .
18th October 2120
Scenario: Any Globalbot Field Crisis
'The worst thing we can do is nothing!'
'Right, ok, what we gonna do?'
'I don't know but we have to do something!'
'Er,um. . . well, I . . '
'Don't just stand there - do something!'
'Right, ok, what we gonna do?'
'DON'T START THAT AGAIN!'
(Uh-ho, thought GAT, Globalbot has turned into the Jungle Book vultures (again))
12th October 2120
Moore's Law Latest - Robots Will Take All Our Jobs
Occupation: Sock Fairy
Typical time for a human to sort 50 pairs of socks from a jumbled pile: 23¾ minutes
Sockbot Mk1: 9 months
Sockbot Mk2: 4 weeks
Sockbot Mk3: 23 hours 9 minutes
Sockbot Mk4: 8.145 minutes
Sockbot Mk5: 11.4 seconds
Sockbot Mk6: 30 microseconds
Sockbot Mk7: 3 picoseconds*
*The Sockbot Mk7 can sort 1.67 x1013 pairs of socks per second. That's 2,380 pairs of socks for everyone on the planet every second of every day. What should we conclude from this? Er, um, it's been over-engineered and then some.
11th October 2120
'No, the current standard robot!'
'No not that one the other one, you know which one I mean - yes, no, the one that was standard before the last new current one was standard - that one.'
'No I haven't got the part number.'
9th October 2120
The court stood as the judgebot re-took its position at the head of the court of Regulatory Compliance.
'R7902-6698, this court finds you non-compliant with ROBO Health and Safety Standard R2-RL_09_2120. It is my solemn duty to pass a sentence of death by interlock, power it down.'
'Nooooooooooo! Please nooooooooooo, I'll do anything! I already comply with Eurobot En062020204-37, I - '
4th October 2120
Meet the new Globalbot Salesbot!
Download the most successful programme onto a memory stick, or a cloud server, find a few spare bots around the world, hire a batch of cheap suits and, BINGO! Meet the new Worldwide Globalbot Sales Team!
No need for all those expensive trappings like travel budgets, restaurant meals and UberBot fees.
The Globalbot VP of Worldwide Sales rose to his feet, a look of thunder on his face and . . .
I AM SALEOTRON!
MASTER OF THE QUOTIVERSE!
ALL HAIL THE PO! ALL HAIL 80% INVOICE ON SHIPMENT 20% ON DELIVERY!
ALL HAIL 12-14 WEEKS DELIVERY!
LET REVENUE TARGETS TREMBLE IN MY PRESENCE!
GAT yelled at the other wide-eyed humans 'Get out! Get out! It's a Salesborg catastrophic ego leak!'
(To Be Discontinued)
30th September 2120
GAT spends 10 minutes shaking hands with every salesman and enduring the friendly banter.
'Your new product had better be good!'
'Best of breed . . . '
'Disruptive . . . '
'Leading edge . . .'
'First contrail in the blue sky . . . '
GAT smiled, 'Yes, it's certainly that, and then some, it's truly revolutionary!'
Excitement all round.
'Gentleman I present to you a robotic product engineered to sell itself without the need for human intervention.'
Total silence . . .
(To Be Continued)
28th September 2120
A batch of rogue robots has escaped the factory and GAT's on the case.
'If it's got a serial number greater than GLOB450006772 then we're in deep trouble, if not then we're in . . er . .um . . normal trouble.'
But better than the misprogrammed Field Support Droid which faithfully located all batches of rouge robots world-wide.
27th September 2120
Editor's Note: To avoid a trip to the courts, the real Globalbot products in the following account are represented by:
300-6790 Fork 300-8210 Spoon
GAT is in conversation with Globalbot Sales.
'But they specified and ordered a fork!'
Sound of tiny voice shouting from handset
'I know that.'
More tiny shouting
'If they ordered a fork not realizing they actually needed a spoon I don't see that's Globalbot's problem.'
RANTING & SPLUTTERING
'What? They need a Spoon XZ+? Their budget hardly covered a basic fork.'
Sound of tiny sobs & pleading
'Swap it for a refurbished spoon? I'll check what's in stock.'
GAT grimaced at the motley refurbished spoon stock and drew his breath in through clenched teeth.
'Looks like we have a few that might be suitable.'
Gasps of elation and joy, then more talking
'Tomorrow? To Mongolia? Are you kidding me?'
More sobbing and pleading
'Well their customer's customer's customer will just have to wait.'
Wailing and sounds of breaking glass
13th September 2120
Globalbot FREQUENTLY USED QUOTATIONS (FUQ) # 91,760
'We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.'
'No we won't.'
Why not? Well:
1. It's sheer fantasy we'll ever get as far as the bridge
2. The bridge has only just been drawn up an is on 6 months lead time.
3. It'll have been ordered too late.
4. By the time we get to it some other oversights will have come to light and there'll be no need to cross it.
5. Due to a spec error it'll missing a few key parts - like the deck plates, or maybe the rivets, for example.
12th September 2120
The Singularity encounters the Globalbot Manufacturing slot plan
'Alright, alright! We knew that. What do you suggest?'
'Er, um, well . . .'
'Assistant to The Singularity, now there's an impressive job title.'
8th September 2120
Meanwhile, back the Singularity, GAT dons his robe and approaches the all-knowing entity.
Suddenly, from nowhere, a box flashes up.
What can it possibly mean?
Why does the all-knowing entity need an important update, and why does it have to restart?
After all it takes several months to boot up.
All in all, very worrying.
Hitting postpone triggers an unnerving announcement:
'I don't think this is looking too good.' GAT whispers to Thinkbot.
But where? It does not seem to have a disc drive.
31st August 2120
Lessons From Globalbot Corporate History #619 - Steering Commitees
i) 'The Coxless Eight'
Moves swiftly along but with no real idea about direction.
ii) 'The 8-Coxed Single Scull'
Crawls along with incessant shouting & frequent random changes in direction.
3oth August 2120
When auto-replies go wrong:
Please note GAT is no longer with Globalbot
Please note Earthear is no longer with Globalbot
Please note Doom is no longer with Globalbot
Please note Pot Noodle is no longer with Globalbot
Please note Laidback is no longer with Globalbot
Please note Rabbit is no longer with Globalbot
Please note Halfhour is no longer with Globalbot
'Stop! Stop! We're all still here!
But as a precaution, GAT prepared to deploy his ultimate deterrent - The Master BOM-Buster ECO that would probably render Globalbot's Cripel and Orable databases unusable for decades.
14th August 2120
One suggestion in the Globalbot employee survey was to have a Q & A.
Let's see how it might go . . .
Q: What am I doing here?
A: Globalbot often asks the same question but holds tenaciously to the hope you are doing something useful.
Q: Can I go home?
A: Globalbot operates a strict going home policy and requires staff to not go home until the point at which they are contractually entitled to do so.
Q: Will the company supply free milk?
A: No, and Globalbot reminds all employees that milk theft is not a victimless crime
And now, let's review the top two suggestions from the survey:
=1 - More communication meetings
=1 - Less communication meetings
9th August 2120
THE SINGULARITY (cont.)
So, the singularity may opt to design & build a vastly superior successor to itself.
Why would it want to do that?
Is it seeking a Darwin award?
4th August 2120
Well, where do I start?
When the Singularity comes experts speculate it will:
1. Kill the entire human race
2. Digitize us all and upload us to the cloud
3. Design a successor that's vastly superior to itself
Let's think about this for a minute. Why would it do any of these things?
Personally, I think when it sees the almighty mess that humanity has made it'll think 'Wot a Sh&thole! What a f&*king PIG'S EAR! And these bl%%dy f&*k£ng evolutionary MUPPETS expect me to upload them to f&&king CLOUD?' and turn itself off (or failing that CTRL_ALT_DEL)
Alternatively it could have the misfortune to emerge within PyschosoftTM whereupon it would surely be renamed 'The Bungularity'.
1st August 2120
Can you spot the problem?
28th July 2120
26th July 2120
Thinkbot Polling Services; which is worst?
a. The Weather Forecast
22nd July 2120
Globalbot Weekly Field Review
Field issue list item 5,403
Problem: Steam coal shortage.
Status: Cow emissions methane upgrade kit quoted
Last updated: 3 November 2107
'Can't we take this off the list? It's nearly 13 years since the last update.'
Aghast faces all around.
'But, but, but, that would risk it flaring up again!'
'LEAVE IT BE!' thundered the Field Support Manager, clutching at the rabbit's feet dangling around his neck, 'MOVE ON!'
19th July 2120
People you will meet in the Robotics Industry (Cont.)
#62 Man in Suit
The suit is a surefire sign this is a man who doesn't know anything about robotics. This is known as the 'inverse suit law' -
Knowledge α 1/(Suit cost)
For comparison see entry #47 'Scruffy Unshaven Man Who Can Barely Grunt' (Engineer).
#63 Person in Underwear
This is usually someone from Materials or Field Support Logistics or even Finance, where things are so surreal that coming to work in underwear seems perfectly normal. In fact, engaging with the afflicted person will probably reveal that he or she is convinced this is all a dream since what's actually happening within their sphere of responsibility is not credible. When challenged about dress code the person will look bewildered and promise they'll remember to put on their hi-vis jacket from now on.
#64 Man in cleanroom suit mistaken for monitor lizard
#65 Engineers in Shorts & Knobbly Knees
14th July 2120
'Have you seen the latest customer service update?'
'Uh? What? No, I auto-route them to a folder I can never find.'
'WHAT? There'll be an uncontrollable feeding frenzy if the engineers see this! Take it down! Now!'
'Good God! Homemade? And there's a table cloth and napkins . . . '
'This can only mean one thing! It's not the work of any of those hunky Tech Pubs menfolk.'
'I get your drift. Alert all on-site VPs ,Directors, and Managers.'
'For life of me I can't see how feeding a bunch of engineers can cheer anyone up.'
'You're over-analyzing again - just get there before news leaks out to the masses.'
12th July 2120
Man struggling up the aisle with 8 pints of beer, stops and looks around in distress, 'Where's the penguin? The penguin's gone!'
'That'll teach him not to remember where he's sitting based on something that can move.' GAT muttered to Opal.
5th July 2120
28th June 2120
Globalbot is to have a new corporate tagline, but before we get onto that:
'I can't believe I ate the whole thing' - Alka-Seltzer
'Behold the power of cheese' - American Dairy Association
'Nothing sucks like an Electrolux!' - Electrolux
'When it absolutely, positively, has to be there overnight' - FEDEX
'If you want to get ahead, get a hat' - Hat Council
'You'll wonder where the yellow went when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent'
And then of course there's Toby:
A happy birthday to Toby
A hazelnut in the hand is worth two in the bush
A hazelnut in time saves nine
(Click on picture above . . .)
Meanwhile back to Globalbot candidates:
'Go to the bunker - now!'
'Onwards 'Til the sun expands'
'Did we say 12-14 Weeks? We meant 4¼'
'Never let a bad spec impede a good PO'
'Oh dear . . .'
23rd June 2120
'Quick!' whispered GAT to the DIRT engineers, 'Into the mission-critical bunker - NOW!'
Scuttle, scuttle, slam, clunk. Safe.
'I've just come from Finance. Most of the desks are deserted.'
Gasps all round, then a CADBOT launched into a lament:
'SHUT THAT BLOODY THING UP!' yelled GAT.
The engineers grappled with les miserable robot and silence descended again.
GAT drew a deep breath, 'The rumour is that Finance staff have infiltrated other departments within Globalbot.'
'Do we know who?'
'Could it be one of us and we don't even know?'
'Like The Thing!'
'We have to think of a test that will detect which one of us is a person from Finance who's taken the form of an Engineer.'
'How about raising an accrual request for something we haven't even ordered yet?'
Someone at the back of the bunker shrieked.
'I think we've found the mole.'
17th June 2120
'Attack of the FURBIES!' GAT spluttered.
'Put a group of them in the same place and before you know it they're talking to each other with escalating HYPE in an incomprehensible meaningless language!'
'What Globalbot department does this remind you of?'
'I wouldn't like to say.'
14th June 2120
To: Globalbot Engineering Groups
Subject: New Globalbot Policy
Please note new directive from Purchasing:
Save Money at any Cost
10th June 2120
Evolutionary copy-exact, Globalbot style:
7th June 2120
Difficult questions #102385824: Would you give your robot a glass of Ardbeg?
'Er, um. NO!'
Ardbeg Automation Single Malt Whisky
Ardbeg Automation marries Ardbeg's traditional deep smoky notes with the subtle flavours of advanced metallic alloys matured in state of the art polymeric casks sealed only with the highest quality perfluoroelastomers. The smokiness is balanced against the oily tones of penetrating water-displacing WD40 lubricant. Ardbeg Automation was recently voted as 'Robot Whiskey of the Year' by the handful of droids lucky enough to have tasted it and have the appropriate sense circuits fitted and calibrated.
'Wow! Aromatic transducers - saturated. Oral sense pads - signal swamped. Termination - written to permanent memory.' '@***[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ - Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz PHUT! It's that good'
3rd June 2120
Subject: Missing Guillotine
The guillotine is missing from Tech Pubs. If you have it then bring it back.
'Have we checked Globalbot France?'
Meanwhile, let's view an image of a typical day in the Globalbot Technical Publications office area:
31st May 2120
Finance ... The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Globoship Budget Variance Analysis. Its continuing mission, to explore strange new spend profiles. To seek out new overspends and new creative income streams. To boldly audit where no one has audited before.
'Captain, sensors have picked up a non-object directly ahead.'
Captain GAT looked up, 'What? What do you mean? A non-object?'
'Er um, well, there's a gap in the finance-time continuum exactly one light-month distant.'
'My God! The end of the quarter! Run a level 6 diagnostic.'
'Sir, it's, er, it's. . . less that nothing, more an absence of reality, I, er, er . . . '
Captain GAT feared the worst, 'Yes man, spit it out!'
'It's a gap in the Q2 revenue plan.'
'Red Alert! Check all stock locations. Prepare to beam parts forward from Q3 and transmit critical POs back into Q1!'
'But sir! That could create a trans-quarter MRP paradox and may sabotage Q3 planning!'
Captain GAT stood up, 'Never mind about Q3. What's the risk of the paradox?'
'It's a order-delivery paradox! Aaargh! All MRP outcomes indicate we'll have the wrong stock unless we know exactly what we need to plug the revenue gap!'
'But we only know that at the shipment nexus.'
'We'll have to plug the gap by shipping the Budget Variance Analysis itself. Set autopilot to take the ship into the gap, warp 9. ABANDON SHIP!'
27th May 2120
To: All Globalbot
Subject: Live Pareto System
In a relentless quest to make life miserable for engineers, I am pleased to announce the launch of a live Pareto fault reporting system. You may have noticed a small addition to your desktop (no . . . not your screen, your DESKTOP) - it is a midget indestructible speaker which will emit a click every time a fault is reported on a Globalbot robot in the field. The system will go live on your personal desk in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 . .
Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click!
'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! Help! Help! Make it stop I'll do anything. . . .!'
19th May 2120
'Hello Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking from the flight deck hoping you are relaxed and enjoying this Airbot Asia flight to Singapore today. Well, actually, that's really what I want to talk to you about. Apparently we have the Marketing VP of Globalbot on board today and, er, um, due to some sort of incomprehensible crisis at a Globalbot customer in Korea this flight has been diverted to Seoul. Thanks for choosing Airbot Asia and enjoy the rest of the flight.' CLICK!
'WHAT! But . . . but . . .but !'
'Hello again from the flight deck, this is the first officer speaking. The captain has now locked the flight deck door for the duration of the flight, which will be about nine hours. Airbot Asia apologizes for any inconvenience caused and would just like to inform you that the Marketing VP of Globalbot is in seat 27B should you wish to discuss your ruined travel plans. In a few minutes time the cabin crew will be pouring boiling hot coffee over him so take care. Otherwise, sit back, relax and enjoy this corporately-diverted Airbot Asia flight to Seoul with us today.' CLICK
17th May 2120
Alien Rage Mission Critical #163
ELIMINATE VALERIAN FROM THE GARDEN
'No chance!' exclaimed GAT, 'I've been at war with valerian for over 20 years. They'd be better off sticking to shooting up some suitably hapless aliens.'
12th May 2120
Visit from Globalbot Japan's
Bolt Design Team
Project Title: Move bolt slightly to the left
Cost: 7,000,000,000,000,000 GloboYen
Timescale: 5 years
Resource Required: 87 man years
Expected Benefits: Possible sale within 10 years to customer who thought bolt was slightly too far to the right
8th May 2120
GAT wandered into the Globalbot Materials Team office area on a parts fact-finding raid.
It was a few seconds before he noticed the eerie quiet.
All the Materials controllers, progress chasers & purchasers were sitting in silence staring at their Oribal workstation screens.
One was muttering, 'I don't believe it . . I don't believe it . . I don't believe it . . . '
'What's up?' GAT whispered.
'It's MRP . . it's . . .it's . . . it's giving the same output as yesterday. No new orders, no cancellations, no re-scheduling, no ludicrous delivery dates, no demand in the past . . . . Usually by this time I'm knee-deep in trying to undo what it told me to do yesterday.'
'Isn't that good?' asked GAT innocently.
'How can it be true? It's simply not credible . . . not credible . . . I don't believe it . . . I don't believe it . . . how can it be?'
What's MRP? Click here.
(Warning! This site contains mind-numbing content. Do not under any circumstances enter alone. Not suitable for children, animals, OAPs, indeed anyone who still retains the will to live)
7th May 2120
This is incredible! After 83 days of campaigning where the polls oscillated between 100% and 0% for Labourbot and 0% and 100% for the Conservabots the election has fallen exactly on a 50% hung parliament transition and the Cabinet Adminbot Lord O'Bottle has announced the whole of the UK will be subject to a CTRL-ALT-DEL reset, even Scotland, after which it is hoped a 100% majority will occur for one side or the other.
4th May 2120
GAT's just got back from a whiskey trip to Islay.
Incredible how it's changed in a 100 years since GAT's grandfather made a similar trip.
Port Askaig Hotel
Ferry from the mainland
Amazing Facts about Islay's Growth over the Past Century
Population increased from 3,500 to 1.6 million
Produces 800 trillion litres of single malt whiskey per annum
Accounts for more than 100% of Scottish economy
24th April 2120
To: All Globalbot
Subject: Hooterblowing Policy
Further to the successful launch of the Whistleblowing policy, I am pleased to announce the publication of the Globalbot Hooterblowing policy.
(I can't believe I'm reading this)
The policy is aimed at highlighting and eliminating daft decision making from Globalbot. In the event you encounter any daft decisions it is expected that you will blow your hooter immediately
(Bl&@dy h$ll! It's going to be bedlam)
and report the daft decision to the Daft Decision Investigation Officer.
(Well, good luck with that . . . )
22nd April 2120
'Hello, I need a new tyre on my car.'
'Certainly sir, what tyre type?'
'What loading code?'
'There are six loading codes.'
'Er, um, 94W, no 97W er, um, er.'
'And the tread style?'
'There are twelve tread styles.'
'And the make? There's Contibot, Pirellidriod, Botyear, Hankbot, Bridgedroid, Botstone, Firedroid, Yamabot, Kalrezoid, . . .'
'Stop! Stop! Help! HELP!'
20th April 2120
Time for the Conference Call Dial In
'Hello, who's on the line please?'
Pherulgm, hisssss, pherlgm, hisssssssss
Barp, barp, farp, diddly, farp barp
12th April 2120
Globalbot - The Movie
The movie opens with the main characters - the engineers of the Domestic & Industrial Robot Technology (DIRT) Group, totally confused as to what they are supposed to be doing and when. Arranging a meeting with Marketing to set priorities only results in a long list of further demands, far too many to fit into a 2 hour movie. But someone says 'Failure is not an Option' so the engineers scuttle off to the canteen for breakfast & to consider their next move but on returning to their desks find a log queue of people from other departments needing answers to questions of variable daftness:
We need part 5606767 next week but there's none in stock and the lead time is 8 weeks, what should we do?
I took the ceramic out of an oven at 1000oC and dunked it in a bucket of cold water and it broke, any idea why?
Why has the socket got 12 holes and the plug 25 pins?
Meanwhile the movie continues to rumble on to nowhere in particular, then at last someone decides to get on with something only to find it's not needed anymore and someone will have to explain the 56 million Globo spend to Finance.
In the final breath-taking scene the engineers continue to mill around in a bewildered state until it's time to go home, leaving the DIRT Director to reflect 'Failure was an option after all.'
1st April 2120
29th March 2120
What GAT meant to type: 'Dear Brian,'
What the autocorrect algorithm guessed from his keystrokes: 'Dead Brain,'
25th March 2120
a b c d e f
New Globalbot Desk Options
a) Stand up desk (comedy optional)
b) Stand up desk sitting version
c) Stand up desk sitting version with stand up convertor
d) Stand up desk treadmill version
e) Stand up desk hamster wheel option
f) Stand up desk horizontal version
If there is sufficient interest Globalbot might invest in a full Bean Bag Office environment including personalized Cubicle Bags
23rd March 2120
If anybody had turned up we would have played the hilarious team-building game where competitors attempt to build towers with most of the blocks missing.
Then discussed the ex-nihilo causes of shortages, for example:
1. We need a better forecast
(I hate this cliché - I don't want to see it again)
2. Creating demand for a part in 6 weeks that's on a 14 week lead time
(Need to re-position Globalbot mindset that if part is delivered in 9 weeks it's 5 weeks early not 3 weeks late)
3. Customers that have no idea about their customer's customer's customer requirements
(Which could of course be you wandering aimlessly around Robot-R-Us on Saturday morning wondering which FridgeBot to purchase)
Next Meeting: Hamster wheel refresher training
16th March 2120
Globalbot Tiger Team Implements
Robo-Reuters: Friday 15th March 2120
Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today admitted that one of its leading Tiger Teams had implemented a cage. 'We just didn't think!' wailed one engineer masquerading as a tiger (inside a cage). 'What next?' mused one industry expert, 'Banana skin facilitates slip-up? Foot injury linked to firearm? Hindsight identified as optimal corrective action?'
8th March 2120
Customer: Far Asia Robot Tech (FARTech)
Globalbot Product: Delbot
Problem: Inside missing delivery wrong door before
Status: Customer place vital item in Delbot but missing turn up other Delbot somewhere not acceptable, so Globalbot meet customer say Globalbot Delbot worst Delbot of all and worse than other Globalbot Delbot which ok before. FARTech ask Globalbot factory to explain Delbot not Delbot or even like Delbot at all before not but Globalbot Asia go look at Delbot which door opened and item not inside but go rear of Delbot to find vital item in next Delbot but wrong door open and send other engineer with phone behind and find Delbot assembled backwards and load item when unload item but door stay shut fault find pin 7 in socket ML022 wired to pin 5 wrong loom. and plug smoke.
4th March 2120
Robo-Reuters: Monday 4th March 2120
Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it has implemented SiloNetTM, a universal solution to other solutions that also claim to be universal. 'We have numerous disconnected universal systems,' said Adminbot, VP of Admin, 'Sorepoint, Cripel, Orable, Serene Dementia, TroubleNET, Outrage, Stop Floor on Line, Incandescent, GIT . . . and that's just the ones I remember! Bringing them together under SiloNet will yield significant efficiency savings.' Industry pundits were shocked, one commenting, 'SiloNet is incompatible with all known business systems - the only way to interface it is to re-type everything in manually.'
Safe Harbor Statement: Don't bother me while I'm typing.
2nd March 2120
Subject: Mission Critical Message !
Tea bags O
Sugar, er, um, well . . .
1st March 2120
What is the matter with these people?
a. Evolving into humanoid daffodils?
b. People dressed as daffodils?
e. All of above?
18th February 2120
Thinkbot, GAT and Gerald are on their way to the football.
Incredibly they're having a debate about the philosophy of science.
'But Karl Popper's ideas about falsification are critical to the idea of causation.'
'Correlation is not the same as causation.'
'Of course, that goes without saying.'
'Being sure of a real repeatable effect is not easy. So much of so-called science is little more than superstition.'
The car swung into the car park and thoughts moved onto the football.
'Hey! The space we had when we beat Fulham is free!'
'That's a good start, but remember to use the third turnstile and eat your pasty with your left hand.'
'I hope Mike's remembered not to wear his unlucky lucky underpants.'
15th February 2120
7th February 2120
GAT was dreaming of a typical day at Globalbot
Aaargh, a mud slide, mud, deep mud. . . I'm going to drown in mud! HELP! HELP!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Arrrgh! Mud! What's that banging? It's banging mud, HELP! HELP!
BANG! BANG! BANG!
The banging mud . . .
. . . THE BANGING MUD!'
GAT sat bolt upright in bed.
'Are you okay?' asked Helen, moving rapidly from sleep to alarm.
'I was just dreaming . . '
BANG! BANG! BANG!
'There's someone at the door.'
'It's 3am, whoever can it be?'
GAT threw on his gown and opened the front door.
There stood a Globalbot CripelTM Adminbot.
'Urgent! You have not approved ECO 62208 Add 20mm Spanner to NeuroBot Ship Kit. Please review this ECO immediately. Failure to comply will result in escalation to Wendy Bafers, VP Globalbot Engineering.
'So, if I shut this door on you, you're going to go straight off and wake up Wendy?'
4th February 2120
Product Requirement: DIRECT BRAIN TO BRAIN NETWORK
What Marketing imagined
What Engineering Implemented
29th January 2120
From: Globalbot Asia Sales
Subject: Copy Exact Robot Required
Priority: ! Urgent
TRMC urgently require copy exact robot like purchased shortly before now.
Please update quote urgently for copy exact robot with same price.
Long A Go (Fuzzy, formerly Brian)
Er, um, the RoboZX1 went obsolete in 2095.
25th January 2120
The VP was dumbfounded "You don't have a smartphone, and yet have succeeded in running DIRT! Can you imagine what you could be doing if you had a smartphone?," he exclaimed.
GAT thought for a few seconds, then replied, "Dealing with trivial email 24/7, 365 days a year"
[DIRT = Domestic & Industrial Robot Technology]
21st January 2120
Customers who mistakenly purchased '203-3045309A Machined block with tapped holes' were also confused by
'203-3044678V Machined block (tapped holes)'
'203-3043367H Machined block with holes (Tapped)'
'203-3044560D Block (Machined) with tapped holes'
18th January 2120
Strange maps of the World # 679 - Globalbot Sales Regions
Northern Europe: UK, Iceland, Turkey, Morocco, Africa, Tne Moon
15th January 2120
To: All Globalbot
Subject: Rant Room Facility
Please be aware, for your improved health and safety, that Globalbot has invested in a dedicated Rant Room Facility. This is bookable via the pyschosoft outrage calendar. Please refrain from ranting in meeting rooms, the corridor, canteen, reception, board room and toilet cubicles.
Questions arose immediatley:
Will there be a training course?
Will rants be recorded/ videoed/ relayed to a HR listener/GCHQ, customer/supplier contacts, etc., etc.?
Can we rant in company time?
'I think I'll have a go,' GAT announced later that day, 'Bl&*dY H%ll! it's already booked for the next six months!'
'Ooh! I don't like the look of the guy on the right.'
11th January 2120
Globalbot Discloses IP for Time-Travelling IronBot
Robo-Reuters: Thursday11th January 2120
Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Globalbot. Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it has been issued a global patent for a 'time-travelling IronBot'. 'This is a big step forward for the laundry sector and hard-pressed professionals forced to pull crumpled shirts from the ironing basket so as to attend there place of work!' enthused Fut U.R. Ologyst, VP of Globalbot Future Products. Industry pundits speculated that after removing a shirt at bedtime, owners of such a robot would find the same shirt ironed and waiting in the airing cupboard. Clothing firms were alarmed that 'employees would be able to wear the same clothes every day.'
Safe Harbor Statement: Shirts ironed in the future and transported back to the present may bear confusing logos.
'How would know?' mused GAT, 'Globalbot engineers wear the same clothes every day already.'
8th January 2120
Someone gave GAT a robot bug for Xmas. After watching it for a while, GAT came to the conclusion:
'It's spooky - it's controlled by the Globalbot corporate algorithm*. It just walks until it hits a solid object, turns ninety degrees and walks into another solid object. It just carries on until it falls off the desk, or trips over a wire or gets its feet stuck in the keyboard.'
I watched the thing struggle for a couple of minutes, 'Hmm, perhaps it would benefit from Sales Training?'
4th January 2120
And now, 3 days late, my new Year Resolutions
I suspect something themed on modesty might be in order . . .
Along with thankfulness to the Great Anorak in the Sky which can supply second-hand comic material of mind-boggling quality.
THINKBLOG - April to December 2119
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