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THINKBLOG

 

24th April 2120

 

To: All Globalbot

From: Adminbot

Subject: Hooterblowing Policy

 

Dear All,

Further to the successful launch of the Whistleblowing policy, I am pleased to announce the publication of the Globalbot Hooterblowing policy.

(I can't believe I'm reading this)

The policy is aimed at highlighting and eliminating daft decision making from Globalbot. In the event you encounter any daft decisions it is expected that you will blow your hooter immediately

(Bl&@dy h$ll! It's going to be bedlam)

and report the daft decision to the Daft Decision Investigation Officer. 

(Well, good luck with that . . . )

Regards,

Adminbot

 

22nd April 2120

'Hello, I need a new tyre on my car.'

'Certainly sir, what tyre type?'

'235/45 R17W'

'What loading code?'

'Huh?'

'There are six loading codes.'

'Er, um, 94W, no 97W er, um, er.'

'And the tread style?'

'Huh?'

'There are twelve tread styles.'

'And the make? There's Contibot, Pirellidriod, Botyear, Hankbot, Bridgedroid, Botstone, Firedroid, Yamabot, Kalrezoid, . . .'

'Stop! Stop! Help! HELP!'

 

20th April 2120

Time for the Conference Call Dial In

Beepblurp!

'Hello, who's on the line please?'

Gurgle gurgle

Ribbet ribbet

AUUUUURMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMHAR

Dag-er-dag-erdag-erdag-erdag-erdag-erdag-erdag-erdag-er

Pherulgm, hisssss, pherlgm, hisssssssss

Barp, barp, farp, diddly, farp barp

 

12th April 2120

 

Globalbot - The Movie

Plot Synopsis

The movie opens with the main characters - the engineers of the Domestic & Industrial Robot Technology (DIRT) Group, totally confused as to what they are supposed to be doing and when. Arranging a meeting with Marketing to set priorities only results in a long list of further demands, far too many to fit into a 2 hour movie. But someone says 'Failure is not an Option' so the engineers scuttle off to the canteen for breakfast & to consider their next move but on returning to their desks find a log queue of people from other departments needing answers to questions of variable daftness:

We need part 5606767 next week but there's none in stock and the lead time is 8 weeks, what should we do?

I took the ceramic out of an oven at 1000oC and dunked it in a bucket of cold water and it broke, any idea why?

Why has the socket got 12 holes and the plug 25 pins?

Meanwhile the movie continues to rumble on to nowhere in particular, then at last someone decides to get on with something only to find it's not needed anymore and someone will have to explain the 56 million Globo spend to Finance.

In the final breath-taking scene the engineers continue to mill around in a bewildered state until it's time to go home, leaving the DIRT Director to reflect 'Failure was an option after all.'

 

1st April 2120

 

29th March 2120

 

What GAT meant to type:  'Dear Brian,'

What the autocorrect algorithm guessed from his keystrokes:  'Dead Brain,'

 

25th March 2120

    a                                b                                        c                                        d                                e                                   f 

 

New Globalbot Desk Options

a)  Stand up desk (comedy optional)

b)  Stand up desk sitting version

c)  Stand up desk sitting version with stand up convertor

d)  Stand up desk treadmill version

e)  Stand up desk hamster wheel option

f)  Stand up desk horizontal version

 

If there is sufficient interest Globalbot might invest in a full Bean Bag Office environment including personalized Cubicle Bags

 

    

 

23rd March 2120

  

MINUTES

Shortage Meeting

Present: Nobody

cc: Everybody

If anybody had turned up we would have played the hilarious team-building game where competitors attempt to build towers with most of the blocks missing.

Then discussed the ex-nihilo causes of shortages, for example:

1. We need a better forecast

(I hate this cliché - I don't want to see it again)

2. Creating demand for a part in 6 weeks that's on a 14 week lead time

(Need to re-position Globalbot mindset that if part is delivered in 9 weeks it's 5 weeks early not 3 weeks late)

3. Customers that have no idea about their customer's customer's customer requirements

(Which could of course be you wandering aimlessly around Robot-R-Us on Saturday morning wondering which FridgeBot to purchase)

 

Next Meeting: Hamster wheel refresher training

 

 

16th March 2120

Globalbot Tiger Team Implements Cage
Robo-Reuters: Friday 15th March 2120

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today admitted that one of its leading Tiger Teams had implemented a cage. 'We just didn't think!' wailed one engineer masquerading as a tiger (inside a cage). 'What next?' mused one industry expert, 'Banana skin facilitates slip-up? Foot injury linked to firearm? Hindsight identified as optimal corrective action?'

 

8th March 2120

TNET 886578850

Customer:  Far Asia Robot Tech (FARTech)

Globalbot Product: Delbot

Serial:  PB00000227-001A

Problem: Inside missing delivery wrong door before

Status: Customer place vital item in Delbot but missing turn up other Delbot somewhere not acceptable, so Globalbot meet customer say Globalbot Delbot worst Delbot of all and worse than other Globalbot Delbot which ok before. FARTech ask Globalbot factory to explain Delbot not Delbot or even like Delbot at all before not but Globalbot Asia go look at Delbot which door opened and item not inside but go rear of Delbot to find vital item in next Delbot but wrong door open and send other engineer with phone behind and find Delbot assembled backwards and load item when unload item but door stay shut fault find pin 7 in socket ML022 wired to pin 5 wrong loom. and plug smoke.

 

4th March 2120

 

Globalbot Implements SiloNet
Robo-Reuters: Monday 4th March 2120

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Golbalot.Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it has implemented SiloNetTM, a universal solution to other solutions that also claim to be universal. 'We have numerous disconnected universal systems,' said Adminbot, VP of Admin, 'Sorepoint, Cripel, Orable, Serene Dementia, TroubleNET, Outrage, Stop Floor on Line, Incandescent, GIT .  . . and that's just the ones I remember! Bringing them together under SiloNet will yield significant efficiency savings.' Industry pundits were shocked, one commenting, 'SiloNet is incompatible with all known business systems - the only way to interface it is to re-type everything in manually.'

Safe Harbor Statement: Don't bother me while I'm typing.

 

2nd March 2120

 

To: DIRT

From: GAT

Subject: Mission Critical Message !

Milk O

Tea bags O

Coffee O

Biscuits O

Sugar, er, um, well . . .

 

1st March 2120

 

What is the matter with these people?

Are they:

a.  Evolving into humanoid daffodils?

b.  People dressed as daffodils?

c.  Welsh?

d.  Drunk?

e. All of above?

 

18th February 2120

 

Thinkbot, GAT and Gerald are on their way to the football.

Incredibly they're having a debate about the philosophy of science.

'But Karl Popper's ideas about falsification are critical to the idea of causation.'

'Correlation is not the same as causation.'

'Of course, that goes without saying.'

'Being sure of a real repeatable effect is not easy. So much of so-called science is little more than superstition.'

The car swung into the car park and thoughts moved onto the football.

'Hey! The space we had when we beat Fulham is free!'

'That's a good start, but remember to use the third turnstile and eat your pasty with your left hand.'

'I hope Mike's remembered not to wear his unlucky lucky underpants.'

 

15th February 2120

 

7th February 2120

 

GAT was dreaming of a typical day at Globalbot

Aaargh, a mud slide, mud, deep mud. . . I'm going to drown in mud! HELP! HELP!

BANG! BANG! BANG!

 Arrrgh! Mud! What's that banging? It's banging mud, HELP! HELP!

BANG! BANG! BANG!

The banging mud . . .

 . . .  THE BANGING MUD!'

GAT sat bolt upright in bed.

'Are you okay?' asked Helen, moving rapidly from sleep to alarm.

'I was just dreaming . . '

BANG! BANG! BANG!

'There's someone at the door.'

'It's 3am, whoever can it be?'

GAT threw on his gown and opened the front door.

There stood a Globalbot CripelTM Adminbot.

'Urgent! You have not approved ECO 62208 Add 20mm Spanner to NeuroBot Ship Kit. Please review this ECO immediately. Failure to comply will result in escalation to Wendy Bafers, VP Globalbot Engineering.

'So, if I shut this door on you, you're going to go straight off and wake up Wendy?'

'Affirmative'

SLAM!

 

4th February 2120

 

Product Requirement: DIRECT BRAIN TO BRAIN NETWORK

 

What Marketing imagined

 

What Engineering Implemented

 

29th January 2120

 

To: Globalbot

From: Globalbot Asia Sales

Subject: Copy Exact Robot Required

Priority: ! Urgent

Dear Sirs,

TRMC urgently require copy exact robot like purchased shortly before now.

Type RoboZX1.

Please update quote urgently for copy exact robot with same price.

Thank You,

Long A Go (Fuzzy, formerly Brian)

 

Er, um, the RoboZX1 went obsolete in 2095.

25th January 2120

 

The VP was dumbfounded "You don't have a smartphone, and yet have succeeded in running DIRT! Can you imagine what you could be doing if you had a smartphone?," he exclaimed. 

GAT thought for a few seconds, then replied, "Dealing with trivial email 24/7, 365 days a year"

[DIRT = Domestic & Industrial Robot Technology]

 

21st January 2120

Customers who mistakenly purchased '203-3045309A Machined block with tapped holes' were also confused by

 '203-3044678V Machined block (tapped holes)'

'203-3043367H Machined block with holes (Tapped)'

'203-3044560D Block (Machined) with tapped holes'

 

 

18th January 2120

  

 

Strange maps of the World # 679 - Globalbot Sales Regions

For example:

Northern Europe: UK, Iceland, Turkey, Morocco, Africa, Tne Moon

 

15th January 2120

 

To: All Globalbot

From: Adminbot

Subject: Rant Room Facility

 

Dear All,

Please be aware, for your improved health and safety, that Globalbot has invested in a dedicated Rant Room Facility. This is bookable via the pyschosoft outrage calendar. Please refrain from ranting in meeting rooms, the corridor, canteen, reception, board room and toilet cubicles.

 

Questions arose immediatley:

Will there be a training course?

Will rants be recorded/ videoed/ relayed to a HR listener/GCHQ, customer/supplier contacts, etc., etc.?

Can we rant in company time?

 

'I think I'll have a go,' GAT announced later that day, 'Bl&*dY H%ll! it's already booked for the next six months!'

 

 

'Ooh! I don't like the look of the guy on the right.'

 

11th January 2120

 

Globalbot Discloses IP for Time-Travelling IronBot

Robo-Reuters: Thursday11th January 2120

Filton, Europa -- (BUSINESS WIRE) -- Globalbot. Corp. (LASHDAQ-100), a supplier of advanced robotic equipment and related automated technologies for the global robotics industry, today announced that it has been issued a global patent for a 'time-travelling IronBot'. 'This is a big step forward for the laundry sector and hard-pressed professionals forced to pull crumpled shirts from the ironing basket so as to attend there place of work!' enthused Fut U.R. Ologyst, VP of Globalbot Future Products.  Industry pundits speculated that after removing a shirt at bedtime, owners of such a robot would find the same shirt ironed and waiting in the airing cupboard. Clothing firms were alarmed that 'employees would be able to wear the same clothes every day.'

Safe Harbor Statement: Shirts ironed in the future and transported back to the present may bear confusing logos.

 

'How would know?' mused GAT, 'Globalbot engineers wear the same clothes every day already.'

 

8th January 2120

 

Someone gave GAT a robot bug for Xmas. After watching it for a while, GAT came to the conclusion:

'It's spooky - it's controlled by the Globalbot corporate algorithm*. It just walks until it hits a solid object, turns ninety degrees and walks into another solid object. It just carries on until it falls off the desk, or trips over a wire or gets its feet stuck in the keyboard.'

I watched the thing struggle for a couple of minutes, 'Hmm, perhaps it would benefit from Sales Training?'

* FUTILITYTM

 

4th January 2120

And now, 3 days late, my new Year Resolutions

I suspect something themed on modesty might be in order . . .

Along with thankfulness to the Great Anorak in the Sky which can supply second-hand comic material of mind-boggling quality.

 

 

THINKBLOG VAULTS

 

THINKBLOG  - April to December 2119

 

THINKBLOG  - July 2118 - March 2119

THINKBLOG  - Jan - Jun 2118

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Dec 2117

THINKBLOG  - Jan - Jun 2117

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Dec 2116

THINKBLOG  - Jan - Jun 2116

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2115

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Sept 2115

THINKBLOG  - Apr - Jun 2115

 

THINKBLOG  - Jan - March 2115

 

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2114

 

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Sept 2114

 

THINKBLOG  - Apr - Jun 2114

 

THINKBLOG  - Jan - March 2114

 

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2113

 

THINKBLOG  - Jul - Sept 2113

 

THINKBLOG  - Apr - Jun 2113

 

THINKBLOG  - Jan - Mar 2113

 

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2112

 

THINKBLOG  - July - Sept 2112

 

THINKBLOG  - Apr - June 2112

 

THINKBLOG  - Jan - March 2112

 

THINKBLOG  - Oct - Dec 2111

 

THINKBLOG  - July - Sept 2111

 

THINKBLOG  - March - June 2111

 

ORIGINAL INDEX